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Seriously, this Woman Knows Her Way Around a Vein – I’m Naming Names Again

So Monday [See “Radiation Treatment Journal – Day 16 – Monday November 19, 2012.”] I talked to my doctor about bruises I don’t remember getting.  While it is unlikely that I would get Thrombocytopenia from radiation therapy alone (without also having or having had, chemotherapy), it is not out of the realm of possibility, plus I’m on two other drugs that contribute to this condition.

So, in order to humor me (which is generally Not okay with me – I do not like to be “managed” as anyone who knows me offline will tell you – but in this case is okay, because a test that tells me there’s nothing wrong will set my mind at ease and allow me to let go of it), she ordered some blood tests.

Of course, Thanksgiving is tomorrow, so I wanted to get this done and get results before the world all crawls into the Thanksgiving hole this year.

Therefore, I tried to shoehorn getting blood drawn into my day Monday (See “Schedule: Week of November 19-23, 2012” to be published later this week).

[Hm, do I put Thursday and Friday of this week in the week’s schedule or the weekend’s schedule?  Dunno yet.]

In order to try to be less of a bull in a china shop, while at work I called the lab in the building across the compound (for lack of a better word right now) from the Disney Family Cancer Center to make an appointment.  No, they don’t take appointments.  And of course, the time just after work is busy because everybody Else who works and needs labs done wants to come when I do – between leaving work at 5:30pm and having my acupuncture at 6:00pm (or in their case whatever else they have planned for after work).

I will admit at this juncture, that my tolerance for other people’s scheduling issues is realistically, well, nil.  If you’ve been reading my schedule posts, that might make more sense to you, because when I say I don’t have time for this shit, I Literally Do Not Have Time for this shit.  In fact, I think I’ll make a new Rule for this – Rule #3: I Do Not Have Time For This Shit.  You may still think my looking at things that way is not fair or not okay.  And I’m not saying it is right or fair of me to think that way.  I am, however, accepting of the fact that at this point in my life, it is my reality.

So, no appointment made (because they don’t do such a thing there), I walk into the lab lobby to find it completely empty!  Seriously, this holiday light stuff is finally working for me!  I signed in and headed down the hall to the actual lab as directed by a receptionist in that office’s lobby.

And I walk in, admittedly, like a bull in a china shop – because I needed my vein tapped, taped and me across the way in 10 minutes to make my acupuncture appointment on time.

Okay, so I was there 12 minutes instead of 10.  In that time Nick (dude, you rock!) managed to take my bad attitude and turn it around so that I was smiling and thanking (them both) on the way out.  For you being able to do that alone, thank you.  Yes, you talk the talk “[his] job is to help patients, not to be an additional burden to them,” and you walk that walk, seriously.  🙂

And then there’s Prudencia.  I’m here to tell you, if you ever need to get blood drawn for labs anywhere close enough to Burbank that it makes sense to go to 201 S. Buena Vista, Suite 125, Burbank, CA – make the trip and ask for Prudencia.  This woman took hold of the butterfly dealie they use, I felt one tiny stick, looked down to see no blood in the micro tube connecting the needle to the catch-tube-container (yeah, not very medically precise, but you know what I’m getting at, and if not, check out the pic at the top of this post), and watched her connect a tube at the collecting end and it sucked my blood right down there with no further pain at all!  Two tubes later, she removes the needle, covers the microhole she made with a gauze pad, attaches the red self-adherent gauze I provided to her (See “I’ll Take Red Please“), and I was on my way to acupuncture.  Since then I’ve had no pain there at all, and the next morning I had a tiny little red mark beside what may be a tiny little bruise – about the size of a pea or so.  Today, no bruise at all.

I mean on the one hand, with what-all this cancer shit is putting me through, so what if one needle stick turns out to be an (Capital-E) Event?  That would pale beside some of the other things I’m getting to experience (yup, that was my tongue in my cheek, you aren’t wrong).

On the other hand, with what-all this cancer shit is putting me through, does a simple blood draw need to be an (Capital-E) Event?  Because really, with all that other stuff do I need something More to be bigger than it has to be?

Thanks to two great people, last night mine Wasn’t.  🙂

I thanked you guys Monday night before I left, but if you ever land on this page, thanks again for helping me shoehorn that into my schedule and even though I came in the door snarling, for sending me back out of it smiling.

And yes, I now believe this cancer journey is maybe making me just the tiniest bit crazy – I just wrote almost a thousand words about getting my blood drawn <facepalm>.

Well, if you’re still here, Happy Thanksgiving to all – please be present with thankfulness about something in your life (even if what your thankful for doesn’t make any sense to anybody else), and tongues explicitly permitted in cheeks during this exercise.

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Radiation Therapy Journal – Day 16 – Monday November 19, 2012

Treatment Notes:

– some warmth during the up-from-under portion of today’s program, otherwise not much, kinda in-zap-out

– I laid myself down on the table this morning Without taking my dress down – they had to remind me (and they were so good about it too)!  Oops!

Doctor’s Visit:

– there’s a first time for everything – I’ve never been treated like an addict before.  I finally realized that is the POV that Dr. Sanghani is coming from.  (Yep, naming names.)  I told her that I haven’t had a pain-free day in 14 weeks (since my first surgery).  My intention was to convey the fact that when one’s been in pain that continuously, one’s pain-tolerance may drop.  My dad had a different interpretation – one which never occurred to me: that I’ve been on pain meds every day for the last 14 weeks.  Which I have actually.

What she did not seem to hear and/or take into account is that what pain meds I’ve been taking have changed with my needs over that time.  The highest I was taking was Norco 10 (10 mg hydrocodone/325 mg acetaminophen) right after my 2nd surgery – for about a week or so.  Then something miraculous happened…I stopped taking it because I didn’t need that much pain relief anymore!  :-O  Oh my gosh, I have the ability to self-regulate my intake of pain meds according to actual need – just like a real non-addicted adult!  Can you imagine such a thing?  As it happens, when I first started radiation, I was down to two Aleves twice a day and that was doing the deal.

But let’s be real – the object of my radiation treatment is to destroy cells.  Sorry, well actually I’m not sorry if that makes some people uncomfortable, using those words.  I’ve left my sugar-coating this stuff behind a while ago.  The object of the treatment is to cause damage (a measured amount, more or less, to be sure, but still damage) in my body.  Causing damage to the human body nearly always results in pain.  This treatment causes skin damage – irritated skin can be painful.  This treatment causes swelling in the radiated area.  Swollen tissue presses on nerves – often causing pain.

It is not nearly in the neighborhood of crazy that I should be experiencing pain (increasing pain, as more deliberate and intended damage is done to my body over the course of the treatments), and desire some relief from that pain.  Also, I have recent experience with some pain relievers, and you know that disclaimer they put on narcotic Rx’s: “May cause drowsiness – Take care while driving or operating machinery until you know this medication affects you?”  Guess what, I actually know how these medications affect me, from recent, personal experience!  I actually know I can function, work and drive on 2.5mg hydrocodone.  It’s when I take 5mg that things get a little weirder.

The funny thing is this: I realized that the very fact that she is treating me like an addict (by doling out the bare amount needed to get me through to our next scheduled visit on the amount I’m telling her I’m taking now – not thinking that my pain may increase with more treatments – two more to go this week – and if I have to take more than we planned on, I’ll be stranded right in the middle of a 4-day streak when I can’t easily get to her – nice) – is actually making me act like one!  In order to get my needs met, I’m gonna get my pain meds from another doctor (because I don’t need to have this begging, bullshit conversation every week until the end of my radiation therapy)!  So, because she assumes I’m an addict and therefore is treating me like one, I am actually displaying doctor-jumping drug-seeking behavior…too fucking funny!

Of course, it’s not really funny, because that was one prong of a two-pronged visit wherein Dr. Sanghani completely lost my respect and trust.  She has now given me the strong impression that she really does not care what happens to me after she’s done with me.  And that’s fine, for her.  Not so much for me, since I actually get to live in my body (hopefully for another 40-50 years – yep, not a typo – if this treatment business does its job).  Part of that for me is what the girls look like and how I feel about them specifically, and me generally.

To that end, my RSurg has recommended against me getting a boost because it causes more damage, that she will be having to fix.  But Dr. Sanghani is focused on (and Only on) eradicating the cancer as best she knows how – side effects, temporary and permanent, be damned.  Don’t get me wrong, I want the cancer to be completely gone.  I”m not stupid, and I get what this is about.

And…

I also expect 40 more years of living after this treatment course is over.  I’m currently 46 years old.  That means I expect to live almost as long as I have already been here.  That’s a Long Time to deal with physical defects that could be avoided.  And, if I don’t come out of the other side of this feeling good about myself, healthy And sexy, then really, that’s not a successful outcome – it’s the classic quantity vs. quality of life question.  I want both.  Am I greedy?  Yes.  But wouldn’t you be too in my situation, if you thought you could have both?

So my problem with Dr. Sanghani is that the quality of life issue is not at all important to her.  She doesn’t have the same overall gameplan for my recovery as a complete person that I do.  She’s too focused on the tumor and/or the disease and forgets both of those are attached to an actual human being.

Whereas, my RSurg sees my outcome as a whole person.  She has been involved with this since almost the beginning – certainly before my first surgery.  Her opinion has been dismissed by other saying “of course she cares about how you look when this is done – she’s a plastic surgeon.”  What they don’t know is that that perspective comes from an understanding of breast cancer recovery as a unique blend of mind, body and soul, in a different way than almost any other cancer because of the physical disfigurement attendant to it.

Why do I believe she has my best interests at heart and I don’t trust Dr. Sanghani?  When I met my RSurg, it was the very first time since my diagnosis almost a month before, that I actually felt calm – I could take a deep breath.  I have re-experienced that ‘safe haven’ moment in each of my subsequent visits with her.

I knew also that she had pioneered a one-step mastectomy/implant procedure for breast cancer patients.  She is experienced not just with cosmetic procedures, but with reconstruction after cancer.  She called me (as did my CSurg seprately) to explain why she was not comfortable with and therefore could not do my reconstruction at the same time as my excision surgery – namely that if my CSurg did Not get clean margins the first time and my RSurg had already used my own tissue to do the repair, then my CSurg would have to go in and re-excavate the tumor bed in order to Get clean margins, thereby wasting all of my own adjacent tissue (it would have to be removed along with more edges of the tumor bed) and that tissue would be forever gone for reconstructive purposes.

Why is reconstruction such a big deal for me?  Please see “A Lesson in Volume.”  Let’s take a divet this size out of the front of your body and see what you think, eh?

Anyway, this made sense to me.  I understood it.  Although I would rather have had only one surgery (that would have been ideal, wouldn’t it?), I went into it accepting that I would have two or three (if my CSurg did not get clean margins the first time) and that I couldn’t even Schedule reconstruction until pathology on the tissue confirmed clean margins.  And I accepted it because I Trusted that both my CSurg and my RSurg had my best possible outcome – physically, mentally And emotionally – in mind when charting my treatment.  I trusted (and still trust) this about them because they had instilled this trust in me by how they interact (still) with me.  Dr. Sanghani hasn’t really done this in the same way – my calm last week was (apparently) a temporary reduction of defending myself against doctors who mistakenly think their relationship is about them and not about the patient.  <shakes head>

Side Effects:

– pain – more of it every week.  These days it can hit anywhere from the left side of my sternum where my ribs attach, all the way to past the midline of my body under my arm – and from almost up by my collarbone down to the inframammary fold – including my chest wall under Lefty and Lefty itself being just generally tender.  Lovely.

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012 All Rights Reserved.

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Schedule: Week of November 12-16, 2012

Monday [Radiation Therapy – Day 11]:

7:00am-8:00am Drive from Home to RTher

[With 1 stop @ Starbucks because it’s Veteran’s Day (which I don’t get off from work), so traffic is holiday-light, so I got nearly to RTher by 7:40am and stopped to get myself a treat (yeah, I know, quit counting, k?) on the way for no other reason than I had time.]

8:05am-8:15am RTher
8:15am-8:30am Appointment with ROnc
8:30am-9:05am PTher
9:10am-9:25am Drive from PTher to Work
9:30am-1:30pm Work
1:30pm-2:30pm Lunch
2:30pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-6:35pm Drive from Work to Home

Tuesday [Radiation Therapy – Day 12]:

7:08am-8:15am Drive from Home to RTher
8:25am-8:35am RTher
8:40am-9:05am Post-RTher ablutions

[Walked back into the female changing room after RTher and found one of the private rooms open, with my new friend “Dana” doing her post-RTher ablutions, so I slipped into the room with her (so we could share the mirror) and proceeded to chat and do our stuff together – sharing with each other what we’re each using and having a lovely time actually.  As wonderful as my entire support system is (And They Are!), there is something incredibly freeing and relaxing about being around someone (even if, to other people, they would seem a stranger) who is going through what you are – there is an instant intimacy and community like no other.  So we slathered boob goop on ourselves and chatted, I shared this blog and my contact details with her.  She said she’d read my blog and gimme a call to give me her contact info.  I hope she does – I had to get to work and she had to get upstairs for something so we couldn’t talk for but a few minutes – but I really like her.  So “Dana,” if you’re reading this like you said you were gonna, gimme a call.  :)]

9:10am-9:25am Drive from RTher to Work

[With 1 stop to put gas in the car]

9:30am-1:30pm Work
1:30pm-2:45pm Lunch

[No good deed goes unpunished.  I had 3 sweaters I had bought and after getting them home decided they didn’t fit well enough to keep.  Every year my company finds a family who doesn’t have all of what they need and helps them out.  One of the things this year’s family asked for was food.  I figured I’d take the sweaters back and use that money to buy food for this year’s family.  I can do that in an hour, right?  Wrong.

So after daring to take a few minutes this morning to talk to someone who, more than almost anybody else in My world right now, knows Exactly what I’m going through, I’m all of a sudden (with yesterday’s PTher) an hour down on work time this week.  And now after doing my good deed (despite giving myself an out not to do Anything for Anyone this year – oh, and I’m sticking by that for my own family – won’t they be surprised?), I’m an hour and 15 minutes down on work time.

So much for a foot massage Friday at lunch, eh?]

2:45pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-6:30pm Drive from Work to Support Group
7:00-8:35pm Support Group
8:35pm-9:15pm Drive from Support Group to Home

Wednesday [Radiation Therapy – Day 13]:

7:05am-8:20am Drive from Home to RTher
8:30am-8:45am Drive from RTher to Work

[Wait, aren’t we missing an entry in there?  Yes, yes we are.  As it turns out the entire computer system for the hospital, and by extension, the Cancer Center went down at 4:30am this morning.  It still wasn’t up when I walked in for RTher this morning, and of course since the medical records are all electronic, they couldn’t even call me to save me driving an hour an 15 minutes for nothing.

And if the system comes up, it takes at least 45 minutes for the machine to warm up, Then they have to go through their daily calibration (or whatever they call it), so who knows if I’m getting my treatment today or not.  So I was originally going to have my last treatment on December 12th, but since my facility is closed on Thanksgiving and the day after, we’re now taking two days on the end of my treatment.  And if I don’t get treatment today, then we’ll add this day onto the end of my treatment.  And then if I (yes, I, not my doctors, it’s not there body – I’m going to get two of their opinions and then make the decision myself) decide not to have the Boost at the end, then that adds another 7 treatments or so on the end, so I’ll be lucky to be done with this by Christmas.

And I have no idea when they’ll be able to treat me today, which means as much energy as I’ve put into making this as easy on my employer as possible, I now have to tell them I need to wait by the phone and bail on them immediately if it rings.  They’ll understand, but it pisses me off.  I simply Do Not have time in my day for it to get rearranged like this.  Please see Rule #3.

Happy Hump Day!]

 8:45am-1:00pm Work

[Got a call at 9:15am from one of my guys.  Apparently the machine is back up and he wants to know if I want to come in for my treatment today.  I ask him when.  He says he has 1:15pm, 1:30pm . . . I take the 1:15 spot, since that actually does Not need an announcement at work – I’ll just take my usual lunch hour and use it to go get treatment instead of…

…what I was going to do was make a deposit to my HSA account to get the tax breaks of maxing out my HSA deposit for this year and be able to pay some of the medical providers who’ve been sending me bills.  But now that will have to wait for another day.  Doesn’t sound like a big deal, I know.  My life feels so full right now, tho, that getting rearranged is more of a big deal than it might be for, well, you.

And I’m doing things on my lunch hour sort of because I am so tired these days, in that A) there’s no way I’m doing it on the way home, I’m completely done by the end of my work day,  so this way Some of it gets done, and B) I’m afraid that if I stopped and rested at lunch I may not get going again for the afternoon, so this way I have something to keep me going while I plow through my day in one fell swoop, as they say.]

1:00pm-1:20pm Drive from Work to RTher
1:20pm-1:30pm RTher
1:30pm-1:35pm Post-RTher ablutions
1:35pm-1:45pm Drive from RTher to Work
1:45pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-6:30pm Drive from Work to Home

Thursday [Radiation Therapy – Day 14]:

7:05am-8:05am Drive from Home to RTher
8:05am-8:15am RTher
8:15am-8:20am Post-RTher ablutions
8:20am-8:30am Drive from RTher to Work
8:30am-1:00pm Work
1:00pm-2:00pm Lunch

[Doing today what I wanted to do yesterday at lunch – depositing some money into a couple of accounts so bills can be paid – and they can leave me the hell alone already!  :)]

2:00pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-6:30pm Drive from Work to Home

Friday [Radiation Therapy – Day 15]:

Additional Tasks Accomplished This Week:

– blogged
– took a hat I had knitted for myself and gave it to one of the supervisors at my office to send to her sister, who has finished chemo and radiation, but whose home got slammed in Sandy – at least last week she was wearing a hat (‘cuz her hair hasn’t grown back yet from chemo), under multiple blankets and eating chips for dinner ‘cuz she had no power or heat – ‘cuz I do have hair, power and heat at home, and the means to cook a hot dinner.
– managed Not to run out of gas in the car (it was a pretty close call one day)
– emailed with my cousin on whether I will or will not be coming to her Thanksgiving shindig next week.  It makes me sad that I had to decline, but with Hubby maybe having to work over TG weekend (yeah, crappy, but oh well), and me literally not knowing how I’m going to feel day-to-day right now, since she needs to know for sure by Tuesday noon to plan her party, I had to decline as I honestly can’t guarantee knowing by then if either Hubby or me will be able to/up to doing Thursday.  So Hubby and me are on our own for Turkey Day, but it’s not the first time (prolly won’t be the last) and we’re okay with that.  We’ll either find somewhere else to go, do our own little thing just the two of us, or just hang out together and have peanut butter & jelly sandwiches.

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SNL (1975-1980, 1985-Present): November 17-18, 2012

Who gets the reference?

Saturday:

– coffee
– vaping with Hubby, hanging out, feeling not too bad
– delicious brunch cooked by Hubby
– napping – yep, 3 hours . . . gone
– knitting
– dinner

Sunday:

– coffee
– did dishes, ran dishwasher
– brunch, cooked by me

[I actually had enough energy to accomplish something meaningful – you know, like feeding myself and Hubby from-scratch cooked food – sausage patties & toad-in-the-hole for Hubby, and well my first course was fried eggs and sausage patties, otherwise known as the appetizer to “something to have Apple Blossom Honey or maple syrup on.”  Yep, again.  More buttered waffles – this time one with Apple Blossom Honey and one with Maple Syrup.  Uh-huh, I went there, I did.]

– checking out FB

[So, a friend of mine posted something on FB about medical “hemp.”  And a friend of his commented something about (I’m paraphrasing here) a doctor friend of hers who practices here in the US, who advises his cancer patients going through radiation (on the QT mind you) to get some medical “hemp” to help with side effects during this type of treatment.  Reading that reminded me of something – namely that when first diagnosed, I went out and got myself a “green card” figuring I had no idea if I would be interested in using “hemp” at any point during my treatment, but if I did then the whole getting the card business would be taken care of.

And a week  later or so, I found myself with 15 minutes or so to spare before, well at that time a chiropractic appointment for injuries suffered in a car accident the week before my cancer diagnosis (it’s been a great year), and in front of a collective, so I decided to stop in.

Bottom line, after reading this post & comment on FB, I realized I had something useful in the garage fridge.  One of the forms I had availed myself of is a tincture.  Now, from previous experience with varieties of “hemp,” I know I’m a lightweight, and throughout my life it has always made me nauseous.  So, in previous experiments, I’ve found edibles easier to balance desired effects vs. unwanted effects.

Well, it’s Sunday afternoon, I’m hurting, what the hell, let’s experiment.  Being cautious I started with one drop – yes, one drop of tincture.  And took half a pain pill (5).]

– read in bed, dozed, relaxed – decided after a couple hours of this I had to get up and do something or I wouldn’t sleep that night and that would be bad – but I didn’t hurt anymore 🙂
– did some laundry
– dinner with Hubby

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Radiation Therapy Journal – Day 11 – Monday November 12, 2012

Treatment Notes:

– not much to report – kinda in-zap-warm-out

Dr. Visit:

– She’s very encouraging, says we’re two weeks down, we’ll get through this.  She’s a good listener, says the red bumps in my axilla are likely foliculitis (inflammation of the hair follicles), another not-unexpected-side-effect of the radiation (except to me since this is the first I’ve heard of it, of course).  We have a good visit, my skin is holding up okay,and we’ll keep on keeping on for now…and then as I’m leaving (‘cuz I hafta get up to the 2nd floor for PTher) I see her making her visit notes “Pt is doing fair . . .”  So I decided tomorrow I’m gonna get all my progress notes and see what my docs Really think.  I’m actually okay with her taking an encouraging stance while maybe being more strictly realistic in the notes – I feel heard, and I feel like my side effects are being adequately managed so far.

Chaplain Visit:

– I’m sitting with Mom waiting for the treatment to start (she comes on Mondays to make sure I don’t miss something in my doctor visits that I need to hear), and the Chaplain over to meet me.  I, politely, tell him that I can’t see him today because I have my weekly doctor visit today and have to be upstairs for PTher by 8:30am.  Maybe tomorrow?  He hands me his card, and says maybe when I’m at home we can talk by phone.  Facepalm!  I’m tired of having this conversation, you know, the one where I tell him I work full-time?  Yeah, I managed to do that politely, then walked away to have my treatment.  So we’ll see if I see him tomorrow.

Side Effects:

– well, let’s start with fatigue.  Of course, I didn’t feel rested waking up this morning, and I’ve had RTher, a doctor’s visit And PTher Before getting to work at 9:30am.  So basically it felt like I had a full day before starting my workday.  Good times.

– the pain is changing, it’s not so focused anymore near the hematoma or the nipple, and less sharp – it’s more achy, tenderness and is occurring less frequently (making me think of ice packs in my bra less) and more like when I mistakenly tried to carry a heavy bag of groceries high up and close to my body (to make life easier on my back) and ended smashing Lefty – yeah that wasn’t so much fun.

– still lightheadedness/is it nausea or not, I can’t tell – at unpredictable, non-patterned times.

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SNL (1975-1980, 1985-Present): November 10-11, 2012

Who gets the reference?

Saturday:

– coffee
– napping

[When I say napping, I was back asleep by 7am and slept until 12:30 pm (after sleeping from 10pm Friday night to 6am Saturday morning).  Now, I’m usually a two-hour napper (the 20-minute power nap never did anything for me), but 5-1/2 hours?  I think the fatigue is here, at least for the moment.  So far, I’m making it through my workweek before collapsing.  We’ll see how long I can continue to do that before I can’t.]

– lunch
– watching TV off DVR in bed
– Ways for dinner (we do a 4-way in our house) with Gold Star Chili while watching something off the DVR
– then back up to bed

Sunday:

– coffee
– watching Firefly marathon on TV in bed (not sure I caught the very beginning of it this morning – might hafta start over at the very begining on Netflix through my Apple TV)
– brunch (picked up by Hubby and brought home to me from our local Denny’s)

[Otherwise known as “something to have Apple Blossom Honey or maple syrup on.”  This seems to be a comfort-food weekend thing.  But, I figure if I’m not gaining weight (which, after quitting smoking CFT 76 days ago, that I’m not is a miracle in itself), I figure my body can use the extra calories to repair the damage caused by the necessary radiation therapy.  So when Hubby asked what I wanted for breakfast, my answer was one of the following three items: waffle, pancake, french toast – and some protein to go with it.]

– blogging
– made cranberry sauce

[Yup, homemade, from scratch, and all that stuff.  Seriously this stuff is easy, put it in a pot, cook for 45 minutes, stirring & mashing up every 15 or so, then cool & eat.  The most time-consuming part is cutting up the oranges.]

– watching more Firefly marathon on TV with Hubby
– dinner

[So, when I got the stuff to make cranberry sauce, I also picked up a turkey breast and a couple turkey thighs.  I made a triple batch of sauce this year because a couple months ago I had 1 cup left over from last year’s batch which got defrosted and eaten over my morning yogurt on two mornings and it was damn good!  So I figured cranberry sauce is Not just for Thanksgiving (and neither is a turkey sammich with mayo on one side and cranberry sauce on the other Only for the Day After), so I made a triple batch and bought some turkey to go with it.  Hubby picked up that gauntlet and made the yummiest dinner: turkey, garlic mashed potatoes (nuked from frozen), brussel sprouts (also nuked from frozen), and pan-drippings gravy, with my cranberry sauce.  Happy tummy!]

So things were going pretty well, I wasn’t really feeling caught up on rest, but Monday morning was nearly nigh and I’d go for it anyway, until…

I called my Dad (like I do with both folks every – or as nearly as possible – day): See “My Last Anchor to Childhood – And My First Ativan.”

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Song Lyrics That Speak to Me – Fuckin’ Perfect by Pink

Fuckin’ Perfect by Pink

Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that’s alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss ‘No way, it’s all good’
It didn’t slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I’m still around

Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing, you’re fucking perfect to me

You’re so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.

So complicated,
Look happy, You’ll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough, I’ve done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I’ve seen you do the same
(Ohh ohhhhhhh)

Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing, you’re fucking perfect to me

The whole world’s scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line and we try try try but we try too hard
And it’s a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they’re everywhere
They don’t like my jeans, they don’t get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?

(Yeah!)
I’m Pretty, pretty, pretty

Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing, you’re fucking perfect to me
(You’re perfect, you’re perfect)
Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than fucking perfect.
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you’re nothing, you are perfect to me.

This one is for Hubby, or, well, from Hubby to me actually.

A few weeks ago, we were going to meet after work on a Friday at our local mall to go shopping together on my way home from work (because it wasn’t going to happen on the weekend – too damn tired – and meeting because it also wasn’t going to happen if I went home we would then go together  – again, too damn tired, once I was home I was home) and when I was leaving work he was pestering me to download a song he had bought to listen to on the way home.  Nope, couldn’t deal with it.  Figured I’d get to it later.  This had to be at a time when I was struggling with some of the appearance-related side effects of one or another of the cancer treatments/medications I’m dealing with.

So we met at the mall, Hubby was disappointed that I hadn’t done the music thing he wanted to, we did our shopping, and while heading to our cars took my phone and cued up the song.  I was getting frustrated; I did Not want to deal with this right now, ok?  So, he got it cued up, I put it on repeat on my way home from the mall, listened to the lyrics and cried all the way.

When I got home and saw Hubby, I asked him (in a slightly challenging voice, and of course knowing the answer, but needing to hear it out loud: “Are you trying to tell me something?”  Hubby: “Yes, yes I am.”).

Well, Hubby’s not perfect (and neither am I by a long shot sometimes, so that’s okay), but he can be pretty amazing – like that night.  He knew I needed a pick-me-up.  And it’s one I go back to over and over again when I’m having a hard time (which, in primary cancer treatment could be any old day, for no reason someone outside me can necessarily see): I can feel Hubby’s love anytime I want, without him even knowing it – by listening to the song he downloaded for us, consciously and deliberately to send me a message.

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012 All Rights Reserved.

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Schedule: Week of November 5-9, 2012

Monday [Radiation Therapy – Day 6]:

7:10am-8:25am Drive from Home to RTher

[fucking traffic! – being late on Monday morning is a shitty way to start the week]

8:25am-8:35am RTher
8:40am-9:00am Weekly visit with ROnc
9:05am-9:20am Drive from RTher to Work
9:20am-1:00pm Work
1:00pm-2:00pm Lunch
2:00pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-5:45pm Drive from Work to Acupuncture
5:55pm-7:00pm Acupuncture
7:00pm-7:45p Drive from Acupuncture to Home

Tuesday [Radiation Therapy – Day 7]:

7:00am-8:20am Drive from Home to RTher

[fucking traffic, again! – because starting my day off stressed for more than an hour is so conducive to being healthy, Not!]

8:25am-8:35am RTher
8:35am-8:45am Post-RTher ablutions

[first aid cream on the nipple scar, scar cream on all 5 surgical scars, super-moisturizing cream on the whole boob – plus massage to minimize tissue damage, deodorant – no antiperspirant for me during radiation (aluminum on the skin interferes with the killing of the cells, dontcha know?), and no creams or goops of any kind for 4 hours before radiation treatment (again, interferes with that killing goal)]

8:45am-9:00am Drive from RTher to Work
9:00am-1:30pm Work
1:30pm-2:30pm Lunch

[Acapulco: Carnitas]

2:30pm-530pm Work
5:30pm-6:35pm Drive from Work to Polling Place

[with 1 stop to get gas]

6:35pm-6:40pm Vote
6:40pm-6:45pm Drive from Polling Place to Home

Wednesday [Radiation Therapy – Day 8]:

7:05am-8:05am Drive from Home to RTher
8:10am-8:30am Wait for RTher/Meet social worker

[it seems the machine wasn’t behaving this morning (it is tested every morning I guess before the first patient – me – is put on it) and it took a few minutes for someone to beat it into submission]

8:30am-8:40am RTher
8:40am-8:45am Post-RTher ablutions
8:45am-9:05am Drive from RTher to Work
9:05am-1:00pm Work
1:00pm-2:00pm Lunch

[Marie Callendars: Chicken w/ artichokes & mushrooms over pasta.

Are you noticing a pattern here?  Yeah, me too.  And I thought I was doing so well Not stopping at Starbucks every morning on my way from RTher to Work.  The good news is that lunch each of the last two days has yielded enough leftovers for two more full lunches, and I do eat leftovers (Hubby doesn’t), so if I can remember to eat that for lunch tomorrow and Friday, I’ll spend no more money on that, waste no food, and I can eat that at my desk if I want so maybe I’ll get my ass out of my work chair and back up walking again.

That’s something else that has changed (and not for the better this week).  I’m starting to fall into the non-smoker’s (72d CFT today!) bad habit of Not getting up for morning and afternoon breaks since my body is no longer sending up a cry for it’s fix every 2 waking hours.  Okay, starting this afternoon, I resume my twice daily walk around my work block).]

2:00pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-6:35pm Drive from Work to Home

[Up from 3:00am-4:00am: woken up by animal noises outside my open window – potty, back in bed, nose congested, use polysporin to moisturize/decongest, back in bed, drifting off as more animal noises outside, close window, pick up Kindle – next thing I know I’m hitting snooze, again, on the alarm.]

Thursday [Radiation Therapy – Day 9]:

7:00am-8:10am Drive from Home to RTher

[Big shout out to Hubby (he won’t see this, I don’t think he reads me – he figures he sees me every day, he gets all the info he needs about how this is going directly from me, and the occasional medical event he attends – meeting new doctors, surgeries, first new treatment of any kind – although he is willing to come to Any and Every medical event I Want him to come to) – last night I was complaining about the stress of trying to make it to RTher every day (comparing it to the stress of getting to a former job on time when it was a 2-hour commute – yes, that is Not a typo – One-Way,  in good weather – longer in bad weather), and this morning (as he goes to work before me and heads to just the city before the one where I work in the exact same direction/route as me), he texts me with a traffic & weather report so I know what I’m in for on my way!]

8:10am-8:20am RTher
8:20am-8:25am Gooping up/applying deodorant
8:30am-8:45am Driving from RTher to Work
8:45am-1:00pm Work
1:00pm-2:00pm Lunch

[Trip to Whole Foods: A cousin of mine (no, not the same one as has a birthday this week) posted a smoothie photo that had a blurry bottle of Synergy Kombucha in the background, so we had a little convo about that in the comments for the post, and it reminded me that I love that stuff and hadn’t had any in way too long, so I’m using my fabulous one-hour lunch today to go pick some up (along with the tomatoes and green onions that Hubby did Not pick up at the market the other night when getting “salad stuff” – okay, he’s amazing but not perfect – but then neither am I , so that’s okay.]

2:00pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-6:45pm Drive from Work to Home

[It’s only a little rain, people, not That big a deal!]

Friday [Radiation Therapy – Day 10]:

7:00am-8:00am Drive from Home to RTher

[Back to a regular Friday light traffic patter, with time for my weekly (yeah, I know, but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it) Starbucks treat stop – but this time I was involved in conversation with someone and forgot to pick up the new Starbucks/iTunes Freebie cards – sorry work-peeps!]

8:00am-8:10am Waiting for machine calibration – met and chatted with another patient “Dana” until my machine was ready for me
8:10am-8:20am RTher
8:20am-8:25am Post-RTher ablutions
8:30am-8:45am Drive from RTher to Work
8:45am-1:00pm Work
1:00pm-2:30pm Lunch

[I get an extra-long one today ‘cuz after building in ‘life is screwed up’ time into when I scheduled my RTher, I now end up with extra already-worked time on Fridays sometimes, and I know work doesn’t really want me taking off early (tho that’s what I would prefer to do), so I’m just tacking it onto lunch instead.]

2:30pm-5:30pm Work
5:4opm-6:45pm Drive from Work to Home

[Yeah, got caught up in reading my, well, personal email at the end of my workday and ended up staying 10 minutes late!

Additional Tasks Accomplished This Week:

– walked at least 20 minutes um, some days
– blogged
– VOTED!
– wished my cousin Happy Birthday on Facebook
– paid some bills
– cleaned up bedroom, put clothes away
– gave $100 to a fund for the family of a co-worker of Hubby’s who died on the job this week  😦
– remembered to write check for every other week housecleaner And actually leave it at home for her

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Radiation Therapy Journal – Day 10 – Friday November 9, 2012

Treatment Notes:

– some warmth during the up-from-under portion of today’s program, otherwise not much, kinda in-zap-out

– one of my guys loves Friday like I do – another one of my guys was looking forward to seeing my Mom on Monday

– waiting for my guys to test the machine this morning I met another patient in the girls waiting area (they’re segregated by gender – for patient privacy – which is a pretty good thing – lots of people are more modest and more freaked out about that stuff than me, and that’s fine too), “Dana” and we had a nice chat while waiting for our respective machines (I think she’s either the 8:00am or 8:15am slot on one of the other two machines in the place).

Side Effects:

– lightheadedness/dizziness, fatigue, nausea: at the end of my morning walk around my work block, just as I was getting back around to my building I got all three kinda at once.  I had started to become worried that this journal was gonna get boring, but this cancer thing really is an hour-by-hour, day-by-day thing.  Kinda like the weather in Hawaii – wait 5 minutes and it’ll change.

– yeah, so 11:00am, nearly on the dot, as I’m coming back from taking my morning walk around the block I ran out of gas.  I guess I’m pretty done for the week.

– I know these twice a day short walks are good for me, on a number of levels, but today, they both seemed to just make me more tired than I was before.  The afternoon one seems to be “hitting the wall #2” today alone.

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012 All Rights Reserved.