Letting Caregivers Actually Care
Tag Archives: Cancer
Rebuilding a Mazda 3: Part One
Hm, let’s start with my title.
My little stop-me-I’m-speeding-red daily driver Mazda 3 wasn’t hit (since last June, but that damage was fixed by the other guy’s insurance company) and didn’t strand me on the road (today anyway – last time it did was early December of 2012, when I was still in radiation therapy), but needed quite a bit of work:
– air conditioning compressor (that’s what crapped out on me and stranded me on the side of the road last December, thereby creating a 5-hour detour for me between my house and radiation therapy – never mind the fact that I was supposed to work that day. Yep, never did make it to work that day)
– motor mount(s) (knew one was broken, decided to change all three since this is a known weakness on this car – turns out when they were all replaced that all 3 of the existing ones were busted – facepalm!) – Oh, and the new ones are black and red and grey and on my, so sexy! I know, I’m weird, but I’ve found a few people who appreciate my weirdness, so it’s ok)
– shocks (one was leaking – I have 150,000 miles on the car, so that’s not the biggest surprise in the world)
Since some serious work was being done: all four tires coming off to do the shocks, the air conditioning compressor is on the passenger Bottom side (not a typo) of the engine and the motor mounts are two on top, one on the bottom of the engine, and because I can’t emotionally deal with flipping a car right now, not to mention the financials don’t support it (so we’re hedging against another 5 years with my little baby), the “while we” list got kinda long:
– struts, shock boots (to go with the new shocks)
– brake pads (we new at least one end needed to be done – let’s do ’em both)
– brake rotors (turns out this was a good decision, as Hubby said he didn’t think my old ones had another turn in them)
– rear adjustable camber arms (another Mazda 3 weakness – for some odd reason the OEM camber arms set such an angle that this car eats tires faster than it should – aftermarket adjustable units should let us adjust the rear suspension to stop doing that)
– radiator and new coolant
– transmission filter and new tranny fluid
– thermostat
– cooling system flush
– spark plugs
– oil filter and new oil
– air filter
– all light bulbs, both fore and aft
– water pump (this has failed at some point in every car Hubby or I have ever owned and I was starting to hear that tell-tale squeak which often presages a water pump failure)
I’m sure I’m forgetting something which, when I remember it, I’ll let you know about in a new post!
The photos below are what my baby looked like this past Saturday afternoon at 4:00 pm. This morning when I went to work (leaving Hubby at home to continue working on it after calling in “I have no idea what” to work), it looked pretty much the same, but had lots more new parts on it than when these photos were taken.
Last night when the work was over and it was dinner time, Hubby said most of the “big-tool” jobs were done. You know, the ones where power tools are used and/or something needs to be bashed on (which feel a bit risky with nothing but 4 little jacks holding up my baby – but those jacks ROCK! Seriously, they’re Extremely Stable and took all the bashing Hubby had to do with brake work and shock work and all. I’m just more comfortable being there overseeing the jobs that could get Hubby or the car hurt). The only other “big-tool” job is reconnecting a belt after installation of the air conditioning compressor. Everything else is what he calls detail work – tedious, but no big forces required.
He said if he worked on it another day, he thought it would be “drivable.” Well, not so I can drive it to work since some of my lights won’t be here ’til Wednesday and we’re not putting the whole front end back together just to take part of it off again to replace light bulbs – but drivable enough so he could wander out to test drive the suspension and engine component repairs for safety and bedding in.
So I have no idea what it’ll look like when I come home tonight, but this was from Saturday afternoon (and still substantially looked the same this morning):
*****
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- Organic Produce Delivery 4-6-13 (ridingthebcrollercoaster.com)
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(Near – Hopefully)-Future Radiation Therapy
March 21, 2013: Mammogram/Ultrasound
*****
Nope, Those Aren’t Mine.
Well, things have been pretty quiet here since missing my Grandmother’s unveiling. That one hit me hard – the repercussions of which are still setting my head spinning . . . but that is a subject for another post on another day (that is Still processing).
On to today’s topic. My post-active-treatment (except for my second and hopefully last reconstructive surgery) life Does in fact go on, one day at a time.
Since my last post, we’ve had The Great Anti-Hormonal Experiment of 2013 – which was an unqualified failure, and is now over! (Ten days on Tamoxifen before I became near completely non-functional, then [after a detox period] Six days on Raloxifene [Pre-menopausal use is apparently a new off-label use of what was only a post-menopausal drug] to start going down the same road as Tamoxifen).
My medical oncologist doesn’t know I stopped taking the second one. Why not? Well, making that phone call, then being basically “on call” during my working hours for his call-back to tell him that was not going to change the fact that I’m not taking it anymore. I need to not be “on call” for a doctor calling me back every goddamn workday of my life. And I’m seeing him again in two weeks (geez, has it really been almost three months since my last in-person visit with him Already?!) anyway, so I’ll tell him then.
Which basically skims over some shit I’ve been dealing with, the details of which may or may not ever “grace” the pages of this, my blog, to turn a phrase (:)), and catches us up to last week.
I made yesterday’s appointment six months ago – in August of last year – at my last cancer surgery follow up appointment.
First, they call me the week before the appointment to tell me that I have to come in an hour earlier than it was scheduled (thereby taking Another hour off work – which I have to make up) because there won’t be a radiologist there to read the films. I’m sorry, what?
So, I deal with this, then try to make sure I’m getting Both a mammogram And an ultrasound.
You see, I have dense breasts, so having a mammogram alone actually isn’t even going to tell us what we want to know. Therefore, I’m not going to go in and get my tender girls mauled for basically no good reason (and to Not get the information we’re trying to get).
Then I show up to see the work Unilat on my paperwork? Is that, um, “Unilateral?” As in they’re just going to test one side? Um, no.
They’re both here, check them both.
I’m told that insurance won’t pay for checking the right boob (i.e., the one on the right side of my body, and the one that did not have cancer in it last year) because it has been less than a year since it was checked and I can come back in June (in three months from now) to check that one.
So, you’re saying my two breasts are going to be on separate mammogram schedules? Um, please refer to my comment above – NO! That’s just stupid, and although I didn’t do stupid well before cancer – let me tell you I do it even less well now. They’re both here now and I’m not going anywhere until they’re both checked out – thanks for playing!
I went half-postal on almost half a dozen people in that place getting them to understand that we were checking Both of my breasts, and if necessary I would have the “that’s just Stupid!” conversation with my insurance company.
But it turns out it won’t be necessary. You see, they found something in my right breast on the ultrasound. They tell me it looks like a cyst and my cancer surgeon gave me a choice of “wait and watch” or biopsy.
Hm, let me think – I’ve had breast cancer WITHIN THE LAST CALENDAR YEAR! So, I’m NOT so much in a ‘wait and watch’ frame of mind – let’s stick that bitch and know for sure!
So, tomorrow morning at 8:00 am I’m having my second breast biopsy in less than a year.
Related articles
- Reasons for Scheduling an Ultrasound After a Mammogram (breastcancer.answers.com)
- Benefits of Scheduling Ultrasound Breast Imaging (breastcancer.answers.com)
- Ultrasound for Breast Cancer Detection (everydayhealth.com)
- Everybody Has Been Feeling Me Up (imightbetheproblem.com)
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Book Excerpts: Barefoot Season by Susan Mallery
*****
” . . . Once in the truck, she glanced at the house. From the outside, it wasn’t much. But to her it was everything she needed. A place to retreat and lick her wounds. Somewhere she didn’t have to pretend. Sanctuary. . . .”
Thankfully, I have somewhere like that – my bed at home. I’ve been spending a lot of time in it the last six months or so. It’s a place I can go and shut the world out. I’ve needed to do that for physical and emotional healing while I deal with the cancer and its effects on my body and mind – my life. I’m glad it’s here for me, as I expect to need it off and on for quite a while yet.
” . . . “I’m sure her time in the army has changed her.”
Carly rinsed out the dishcloth and hung it over the sink. “How do you know that? You barely knew her before.”
“How could war not change someone?”
Right, so the current language is that a cancer patient “fights” the cancer. ‘Nuff said. Or if you don’t get what I’m saying from that, please see “Awakening.”
“She had to admit, looking better made her feel a little better. More here rather than in some kind of emotional limbo.”
Emotional limbo – been there, know that place. It’s not Always a bad place to be. Sometimes it’s a way station for where one needs to go while necessary subsurface processing happens.
“. . .” You’re not stupid and you’re not alone. We all do things that don’t make sense to other people.”
I’m sensing a theme here. I like it. I resemble that remark.
Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.
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Book Excerpts: The Queen Gene by Jennifer Coburn
*****
” . . . “I need some time to digest everything you’ve said.” I learned that dismissal years ago when a client said it to me. At the time, I thought it was a polite way of letting me know that my complex concept needed time to be broken down and properly appreciated. Now I know it’s a nice way of saying, This conversation is over. . . .”
Who knew one could learn actual life skills from a light, fun read? I’m Definitely remembering this one. I learned from a very wise therapist once that just because someone else wants to have a certain conversation Does Not mean that I am required to have that conversation. This is a polite way to say “I am not having this conversation with you.” Nice.
Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.
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Book Excerpts: The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides
*****
” . . . What made Madeleine sit up in bed was something closer to the reason she reads books in the first place and had always loved them. Here is a sign that she wasn’t alone. Here was an articulation of what she had been so far mutely feeling. In bed on a Friday night, wearing sweatpants, her hair tied back, her glasses smudged, and eating peanut butter from the jar, Madeleine was in a state of extreme solitude. . . .”
I like that idea – extreme solitude, and yet not alone.
” . . . ‘Of or related to Leonard Bankhead (American, born 1959), characterized by excessive introspection or worry. Gloomy, depressive. See basket case.‘ . . .
“Hannaesque,” Leonard said. “Stubborn. Given to ironclad positions.”
“Hannarian,” Madeleine said. “Dangerous. Not to be messed with.”
“I stand warned.” . . .” . . . Grief was physiological, a disturbance of the blood. . . .”
Yes. I have no insightful commentary, just yes, so yes!
” . . . A bruised ego reflected its own image. . . .”
Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.
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Book Excerpts: Tales from the Crib by Jennifer Coburn
*****
” . . . I hated this trite platitude people shot out when they were uncomfortable with another person’s mourning. . . .”
I run into this a lot in the context of having cancer. People say stupid things trying to get Me to be positive because They are uncomfortable. Newsflash – My Cancer is Not about how you feel, and if I’m having a bad day with it (totally justifiable and permissible because having cancer sucks!) get over Yourself about me not being happy about having cancer.
” . . . Why was it impossible or people to accept that humans had room for completely conflicting emotions, and one did not detract from the other in the slightest?. . . .”
Now, I don’t know if this makes perfect sense to me because I’m a Gemini, or if all people feel that way sometimes, but um – duh!
” . . . I understand that when someone says, “Oh, don’t feel sad,” they really are trying to help. But telling me not to feel what I’m already feeling is not at all helpful.”
In fact, being told that one’s reality is not true is one of the truly crazy-making things someone can do to another.
” . . . I always hated when Aunt Rita completely negated my feelings by telling me how much worse off she was at my age. . . .”
Yeah, I think this one’s related to my first quote (and reaction thereto) from this book. It amazes me how often my experiences are discounted by people saying “someone else has it worse.” Well, yes, I’m absolutely sure someone does. But I wasn’t talking about them. I was talking about me. Really, what does someone else’s experiences have to do with my current one. I shouldn’t be less than perfectly-ecstatic at all times because someone else is going through something You decide to judge as worse? By that measure whoever you hold up to me doesn’t get to feel badly either because someone certainly has it worse than them. So does one person in the whole world have the right to be less than perfectly ecstatic? Who is that person? Who gets to decide who that is?
Oh, and by the same token, if someone else has it ‘worse’ than me, then certainly someone else also has it better. Hell, I can name a dozen off the top of my head. For christ’s sake, some days I could look at Anybody who doesn’t have cancer and say they have it better than me. So, by that token, please take Your discomfort out of my realm of being – compared to those who have it ‘better,’ I have a perfect right to be less than completely-ecstatic.
Yeah, this one instantly and pretty much completely pisses me off.
” . . . For the rest of the weekend, we quietly walked around Ann Arbor taking inventory of what was old and what was new. What had changed and what had stayed the same. Very few things were in just one column, least of all us. . . .”
There’s that simultaneous dichotomy again, which speaks to me so.
Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.
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Book Excerpts: Reinventing Mona by Jennifer Coburn
*****
” . . . I ended up having to put Hot Slut on my spam blocker, which is the electronic version of a restraining order. . . .”
Clever. I like it!
” . . . What’s useless is sitting around wondering what might have been, because what might have been is what is. The grass may look greener on the other side of the fence, but grass is basically grass. . . .”
Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.
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The Reality Blog Award Nomination
Thank you so much to anotheronewiththecancer for the Reality Blog Award nomination! I am so grateful that what sometimes just feels to me like selfish whining actually Helps someone else!
The rules for this award are:
- Visit and thank the blogger who nominated you √
- Acknowledge that blogger on your blog and link back to them √
- Answer the 5 questions presented √
- Nominate up to 20 blogs for the award and notify them on their blogs √
- Copy and paste the award on your blog somewhere √
5 questions
1. If you could change one thing what would you change?
The obvious answer would probably be to not have cancer, but I’m not sure if that’s true. Oh, who am I kidding, trying to be all noble and shit – it probably is the answer.
2. If you could repeat an age, what would it be?
It’s funny that this question shows up for me today. We chanced into this conversation last night at Support Group, so my answer is 35, same as it was last night.
3. What one thing really scares you?
Abandonment.
4. What is one dream you have not completed, and do you think you’ll be able to complete it?
In retrospect, I would have answered this question as becoming a writer, but this blog’s existence means that dream has been completed. Not sure what the next uncompleted dream is, will have to think on it…
5. If you could be someone else for one day, who would it be?
I don’t know that there is anyone else I want to be instead of me, even for a day.
Question Disclaimer:
For those who’ve been reading me, my answers to the above questions are very uncharacteristically short, with really no explanation whatsoever. I’ve got something weighing on my mind just now and it’s taking up almost all of my mental energy for the moment, so these answers are short and sweet. These questions may (if I feel like expanding on my answers later) or may not (if I don’t feel like it) become their own posts in the future.
In return, I would like to nominate the following Bloggers (love their blogs):
Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.
Riding the BC Roller Coaster 