Quotes That Speak To Me

*****

defiant woman

As I posted on FB when I shared this there:

Um, no, I’m there. I haven’t actually heard it verbally from people in my life, but they sure have treated me like they think I am.

Oh, and um, I’ve gotten flack from some people in my life (who shall remain completely un-referenced) who recognize themselves and don’t like that I share here how their actions make me feel.  Hence, my (for the moment – I reserve the right to change my mind at any time for any reason, and surely will at some point) deliberate and extreme vagueness and referred anonymity.

Interesting What People Do and Don’t Notice

Contact lens

Contact lens (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve worked at my current employer for a year and eight months.

In that time, not once have I worn my glasses.

Today I’m wearing them because one of my eyes is bothering me enough that I don’t want to put a contact lens in it . . .

. . . and not one person has noticed.

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

Awakening

I think cancer is causing this awakening for me…

awakening

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it … When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out “ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling t…o hold on.” And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective………..This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something or someone to change, or for happiness safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

So you begin making your way through the “reality of today” rather than holding out for the “promise of tomorrow.” You realize that much of who you are and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you’ve received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about :

– how you should look and how much you should weigh,
– what you should wear and where you should shop,
– where you should live or what type of car you should drive,
– who you should sleep with and how you should behave,
– who you should marry and why you should stay,
– the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family,

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

-Sonny Carroll (Awakening)

~via Soulfire Sacred Bodywork~

This is beautiful, and I think true for me, thanks to my breast cancer, and is put in a very positive light.

I don’t think it necessarily feels so positive to some other people in my life.

As I go through this transformation:

– I may be less likely to have conversations they want to have because I Don’t want to have it.
– I may be less likely to respond in conversation the way they expect me to.
– I may be less likely to respond to them in other ways they way they expect me to.
– I may not give them the time and/or attention they want or expect.

I think you probably see where I’m going here.  I’m simply no longer the person they think I am or who I actually used to be.  From my perspective it is all personal and positive – I Literally do not have time and/or energy to devote to things I no longer care about – and I do not do this out of Any malice whatsoever.  Still, I realize it can be disconcerting and confusing.  But that’s for them to work out, not me.

I’m definitely still in transition, a limbo I am accepting and quietly ‘being’ with until it shifts in its own time.  I don’t know who I’ll be when I come out the other end or what my (personal) life will look like or who will and won’t be in it.  (The basics of my life – Hubby, home, work are not likely to change – but even they, I suppose, could – NOT that I’m looking for them to.)

I’ll keep you posted.

Personal reflections – Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

100th Post: I Wore a Bra Today…

…all day, without padding my nipple with a nursing pad, and not once did my nipple harden and hurt for no discernible reason!

Well, not until I thought that it hadn’t and then, of course, it gave me a Zotz just to remind me it was still there.

I was composing this post in my head on my commute home, and let me tell you it was clever!

But, of course, after getting home, putting food stuff in the kitchen, realizing I left my iPad at work (confirmed by Find iPhone on my phone), getting out of work clothes and into snugglies…

…all that cleverness has evaporated.

Add to that evaporation the tiredness from the Tamoxifen (less than a week in and on only 5mg a day, for those in the know – does not bode too well going forward, eh?) and articulate speech goes nigh out the window.

That bra Also did Not hurt in either axilla – a definite problem the last time I wore one, so…

snoopy-happy-dance

Happy Dance!

Okay, theoretical Happy Dance (no Actual dance cuz of Tamoxifen fatigue, among other side effects already, to be shared in upcoming “Tamoxifen Journal” posts).

Or at least (hopefully) for another month or so until I have more surgery – possibly going in through the nipple(s), sending me back to step one with it(them)…

…but still!  I had today!

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

The Reality Blog Award Nomination

Reality Blog Award

Thank you so much to anotheronewiththecancer for the Reality Blog Award nomination!  I am so grateful that what sometimes just feels to me like selfish whining actually Helps someone else!

The rules for this award are:

  • Visit and thank the blogger who nominated you √
  • Acknowledge that blogger on your blog and link back to them √
  • Answer the 5 questions presented √
  • Nominate up to 20 blogs for the award and notify them on their blogs √
  • Copy and paste the award on your blog somewhere √

5 questions

1.   If you could change one thing what would you change?

The obvious answer would probably be to not have cancer, but I’m not sure if that’s true.  Oh, who am I kidding, trying to be all noble and shit – it probably is the answer.

2.   If you could repeat an age, what would it be?

It’s funny that this question shows up for me today.  We chanced into this conversation last night at Support Group, so my answer is 35, same as it was last night.

3.   What one thing really scares you?

Abandonment.

4.  What is one dream you have not completed, and do you think you’ll be able to complete it?

In retrospect, I would have answered this question as becoming a writer, but this blog’s existence means that dream has been completed.  Not sure what the next uncompleted dream is, will have to think on it…

5.  If you could be someone else for one day, who would it be?

I don’t know that there is anyone else I want to be instead of me, even for a day.

Question Disclaimer:

For those who’ve been reading me, my answers to the above questions are very uncharacteristically short, with really no explanation whatsoever.  I’ve got something weighing on my mind just now and it’s taking up almost all of my mental energy for the moment, so these answers are short and sweet.  These questions may (if I feel like expanding on my answers later) or may not (if I don’t feel like it) become their own posts in the future.

In return, I would like to nominate the following Bloggers (love their blogs):

The Jiggly Bits

The Oatmeal

Swift Expression

A Faded Romantic’s Notebook

Joy the Baker

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

SNL (1975-1980, 1985-Present): December 29, 2012 – January 1, 2013

Who gets the reference?

Saturday:

– coffee/knitting in the “nest” in my home office

[My “nest” is a loveseat of which each side is an independent recliner, and has lived in my home office since we got it, many moons ago.  On top of it reside a couple of neck pillows and a comforter, so I can be comfies there.]

– Starbucks

[S/F Mocha w/ whip for the drive to the Westside.]

– Lunch @ Mom’s
– Dad’s old (current) place
– Dad’s new place

[Lots of emotions happening with these stops – See “What Looked Like ‘Better” Turned Out to be PMS and a Full Moon.”]

– Frosting Cupcakery

Frosted Cupcakery

[Stopped at this place on the spur of the moment, thinking I’d pick up a cupcake or two (emotional eating, I know, it was a rough day).  When I got there I thought I’m headed through Burbank anyway on my way home which means stopping at Dad’s Donuts because their chocolate cream donut makes my toes curl in a good way – no exaggeration – “Don’t Bother Me, I’m Eating!”

So I happened to see their Frosted Cupcakery’s Hi-Tops and figured I’d get two of those (the seem like two- or three-biters, so they’d be just a nice little taste for Hubby and me).  I got a white chocolate salted caramel and a chocolate peppermint (didn’t see this flavor on their website, so I’m guessing it’s a seasonal deal).]

Sit N Stitch
– Unwind

Unwind Knitting Burbank

– Bed Bath & Beyond

[I had stopped for a salad spinner – I was gonna get one even though Mom said I could have hers since she never uses it – but the line was too long and I was getting tired.  This had been a pretty big day already.]

– Home

Sunday:

– collapse

[Yeah, I got through my Saturday and I was done.  So, I think I did the following things, not necessarily in this order:

– coffee
– reading
– watching tv
– knitting
– napping

After napping, Hubby told me he had placed an order at the Container Store of a few more bits for our ongoing garage remodel project and they had texted him it was ready for pickup – I could come with him to get it or stay home, whatever I wanted.  I decided to go, so . . .]

– Starbucks: coffee for the road
– Container Store: picking up the stuff he’d ordered

[He called them as we pulled up outside, they brought it out and loaded it up – we didn’t even have to get out of the truck – Love That!]

– Maria’s Italian Kitchen: Dinner

[We had previously eaten there a couple months ago, on the way back from one of our trips to Oak Glen (See “SNL (1975-1980, 1985-Present): October 27-28, 2012.”), we didn’t have one near us, we were driving by one and it was almost dinner time – so I asked Hubby if he wanted to eat before we headed home – we did.]

– Home: hanging out while Hubby installed garage bits

Monday:

– 9:00am-1:00pm work

[Yeah, I decided to just stick this in here ‘cuz it’s a half day in what otherwise woulda been another 4-day weekend, and I didn’t wanna make a whole new separate post for it and well, it’s just here – so there.]

– H&M

H&M

[My previous stash of Gap t-shirts is starting to wear out, and I’ve recently fallen in love with H&M’s L.O.G.G. brand t-shirts (they’re cheaper than Gap too) ‘cuz they’re So Soft they’re comfortable directly on my sore nipple, and that’s seriously saying something – SCORE!  So I went and got myself some to replace the ones that are wearing out.]

– Target

Target_640x455

[Stopped by a Target to try to pick up a skirt in my size that Hubby had gotten me, but he had brought home a size too small (yep, if you’re gonna err, that’s the direction to do it!), but couldn’t find it in the size I wanted.  :-(]

– Nap @ Home

[For the rest of today and my overnight, please see “Up at Midnight.”]

Tuesday:

– watch replay of Rose Parade in bed w/ Hubby
– brunch cooked by Hubby

[Yep, food, it’s a thing.  Brunch, it’s a thing.  Hubby says what do I want to eat.  I point him toward some pre-made cheesy hashbrowns I’d bought.  He says how do you want your eggs.  I say however you want to cook them.  Breffast/Brunch:

– Hillshire Farms Cheddarwurst, fried
– pre-made cheesy hashbrowns, nuked
– scrambled eggs with organic red onions, organic thyme, organic rosemary (all from Abundant Harvest Organics – See “I’ve Been Eating More Dirt Lately – Organic Produce Delivery 12-22-12.”), grape tomatoes and crumbled goat cheese!  Yum!

– emptied dishwasher
– loaded dishwasher
– washed dishes
– ran dishwasher
– watched college football on TV with Hubby
– emptied dishwasher

The Palace grill

– made The Palace Grill Rosemary-Buttermilk Muffins
– made roasted veggies

[Organic russet potatoes, organic sweet potatoes, organic butternut squash, some other kind of organic squash, all from Abundant Harvest Organics, drizzled with olive oil & organic rosemary (AHO).]

– nuked mac & cheese

[Added cubed beef tenderloin (crisped up in a pan), organic green onions (AHO), a dash of Half & Half and sprinkled with just a bit of shredded cheddar cheese and the last of the green onions.]

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012 All Rights Reserved.