Tag Archives: Blog

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Quotes That Speak To Me

*****

defiant woman

As I posted on FB when I shared this there:

Um, no, I’m there. I haven’t actually heard it verbally from people in my life, but they sure have treated me like they think I am.

Oh, and um, I’ve gotten flack from some people in my life (who shall remain completely un-referenced) who recognize themselves and don’t like that I share here how their actions make me feel.  Hence, my (for the moment – I reserve the right to change my mind at any time for any reason, and surely will at some point) deliberate and extreme vagueness and referred anonymity.

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Interesting What People Do and Don’t Notice

Contact lens

Contact lens (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve worked at my current employer for a year and eight months.

In that time, not once have I worn my glasses.

Today I’m wearing them because one of my eyes is bothering me enough that I don’t want to put a contact lens in it . . .

. . . and not one person has noticed.

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

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Awakening

I think cancer is causing this awakening for me…

awakening

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it … When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out “ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling t…o hold on.” And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective………..This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something or someone to change, or for happiness safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

So you begin making your way through the “reality of today” rather than holding out for the “promise of tomorrow.” You realize that much of who you are and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you’ve received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about :

– how you should look and how much you should weigh,
– what you should wear and where you should shop,
– where you should live or what type of car you should drive,
– who you should sleep with and how you should behave,
– who you should marry and why you should stay,
– the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family,

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

-Sonny Carroll (Awakening)

~via Soulfire Sacred Bodywork~

This is beautiful, and I think true for me, thanks to my breast cancer, and is put in a very positive light.

I don’t think it necessarily feels so positive to some other people in my life.

As I go through this transformation:

– I may be less likely to have conversations they want to have because I Don’t want to have it.
– I may be less likely to respond in conversation the way they expect me to.
– I may be less likely to respond to them in other ways they way they expect me to.
– I may not give them the time and/or attention they want or expect.

I think you probably see where I’m going here.  I’m simply no longer the person they think I am or who I actually used to be.  From my perspective it is all personal and positive – I Literally do not have time and/or energy to devote to things I no longer care about – and I do not do this out of Any malice whatsoever.  Still, I realize it can be disconcerting and confusing.  But that’s for them to work out, not me.

I’m definitely still in transition, a limbo I am accepting and quietly ‘being’ with until it shifts in its own time.  I don’t know who I’ll be when I come out the other end or what my (personal) life will look like or who will and won’t be in it.  (The basics of my life – Hubby, home, work are not likely to change – but even they, I suppose, could – NOT that I’m looking for them to.)

I’ll keep you posted.

Personal reflections – Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

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100th Post: I Wore a Bra Today…

…all day, without padding my nipple with a nursing pad, and not once did my nipple harden and hurt for no discernible reason!

Well, not until I thought that it hadn’t and then, of course, it gave me a Zotz just to remind me it was still there.

I was composing this post in my head on my commute home, and let me tell you it was clever!

But, of course, after getting home, putting food stuff in the kitchen, realizing I left my iPad at work (confirmed by Find iPhone on my phone), getting out of work clothes and into snugglies…

…all that cleverness has evaporated.

Add to that evaporation the tiredness from the Tamoxifen (less than a week in and on only 5mg a day, for those in the know – does not bode too well going forward, eh?) and articulate speech goes nigh out the window.

That bra Also did Not hurt in either axilla – a definite problem the last time I wore one, so…

snoopy-happy-dance

Happy Dance!

Okay, theoretical Happy Dance (no Actual dance cuz of Tamoxifen fatigue, among other side effects already, to be shared in upcoming “Tamoxifen Journal” posts).

Or at least (hopefully) for another month or so until I have more surgery – possibly going in through the nipple(s), sending me back to step one with it(them)…

…but still!  I had today!

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

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The Reality Blog Award Nomination

Reality Blog Award

Thank you so much to anotheronewiththecancer for the Reality Blog Award nomination!  I am so grateful that what sometimes just feels to me like selfish whining actually Helps someone else!

The rules for this award are:

  • Visit and thank the blogger who nominated you √
  • Acknowledge that blogger on your blog and link back to them √
  • Answer the 5 questions presented √
  • Nominate up to 20 blogs for the award and notify them on their blogs √
  • Copy and paste the award on your blog somewhere √

5 questions

1.   If you could change one thing what would you change?

The obvious answer would probably be to not have cancer, but I’m not sure if that’s true.  Oh, who am I kidding, trying to be all noble and shit – it probably is the answer.

2.   If you could repeat an age, what would it be?

It’s funny that this question shows up for me today.  We chanced into this conversation last night at Support Group, so my answer is 35, same as it was last night.

3.   What one thing really scares you?

Abandonment.

4.  What is one dream you have not completed, and do you think you’ll be able to complete it?

In retrospect, I would have answered this question as becoming a writer, but this blog’s existence means that dream has been completed.  Not sure what the next uncompleted dream is, will have to think on it…

5.  If you could be someone else for one day, who would it be?

I don’t know that there is anyone else I want to be instead of me, even for a day.

Question Disclaimer:

For those who’ve been reading me, my answers to the above questions are very uncharacteristically short, with really no explanation whatsoever.  I’ve got something weighing on my mind just now and it’s taking up almost all of my mental energy for the moment, so these answers are short and sweet.  These questions may (if I feel like expanding on my answers later) or may not (if I don’t feel like it) become their own posts in the future.

In return, I would like to nominate the following Bloggers (love their blogs):

The Jiggly Bits

The Oatmeal

Swift Expression

A Faded Romantic’s Notebook

Joy the Baker

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

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SNL (1975-1980, 1985-Present): December 22-25, 2012

Who gets the reference?

Saturday:

[So, this morning I wake up to kiss Hubby and send him off to work.  You see he is off moving his company, all day and into the night.

Which means I have the house all to myself!]

– knitting in bed

[It took me Three times of doing this gauntlet, before I got it right to half the thumb gusset, and then I did the last part of the thumb inside out!]

– brunch
– knitting in bed
– watching Hart of Dixie on Netflix – one episode right after another – marathon style
– dinner

Sunday:

– kiss Hubby and send him to work…again!  🙂

[I do love my man And (not but) I also Love Another day All To Myself!]

– coffee in bed
– more Hart of Dixie, in bed
– more knitting, in bed

[This time I did the second/matching, well, technically they’re called Hand Warmers, completely correct, including the whole thumb!]

– nap (a nap day is Always better than a non-nap day)
– cleaned up kitchen
– loaded/ran dishwasher
– washed dishes
– reorganized freezer
– made cranberry sauce

[This time I used 2 of the organic oranges from my organic produce delivery – this batch came out really good with organic cranberries & oranges, and some local Buckwheat Honey I had found!]

Monday:

[Woke up to find Hubby at home, yay!  (There was some chance that he would have to work Monday.)]

– coffee in bed while
– reading in bed
– nap

[Um, where did the morning go?]

– hanging with Hubby for a few

[We decided to keep our Christmas Eve tradition, and so headed out to the mall (see  “Thoughts – Week of December 26-28, 2012.”]

– visiting the iPad Mini at the Apple Store (well meeting each other for the first time actually)
– shopping at Old Navy
– dinner at Macaroni Grill

Tuesday (Christmas Day):

– coffee downstairs together
– opening presents

[Santa must have realized I wasn’t a little girl anymore, since he got me liquor, chocolate and the yearly traditional sparkly for Christmas this year.

It had to be Red this year...

It had to be Red this year…

The yearly sparkly tradition began years ago with a set of diamond earrings showing up in my stocking – they were wadded up in tissue paper stuffed into a pyrex measuring cup (we had broken one that year and this was a good excuse to replace it).

Since then, I almost always get something sparkly for Xmas.  When life allows, it has been a Piece – something fantastic and expensive (like one year’s platinum and natural sapphire necklace), but most years it’s something for the jewelry box – something that gets worn continuously for a few weeks to a month, then goes into the jewelry box to be rotated in according to wardrobe.

Most years it is sapphire something (because of course, navy blue is my favorite color).  Last year, while Hubby and I were doing our Christmas Eve thing, just as we were about to buy that year’s sparkly (together – it happens that way sometimes), we got the call to go to the hospital Now – Grandma was being admitted.  New Year’s Eve day – after the devastating family decision to let her go to Grandpa – Hubby and I went back and completed that purchase.  It felt like the right thing to do – to bookend her with it somehow.  Well, it makes sense to me anyway.  Please see “I Missed You Last Night, Grandma – Single Malt Scotch and Election Returns.“

But this year had to be red (see “I’ll Take Red Please.”) of course.  And the shape is no accident either.  My Hubby happens to have exceptional taste in jewelry generally (or at least taste that matches mine), and he’s very good at choosing jewelry with messages (I may hafta post the beautiful Piece he brought me back from Australia when he went there this past January for work – partly because V-Day was upcoming and partly as solace for the fact that I couldn’t go with him  😦 – it was chosen to convey a message too), and this year’s message is obvious.  :-)]

– breffast (outta the freezer – neither of us felt like actually cooking)
– hanging out with stuff recorded on the DVR and napping

[I actually was prepared for Hubby to sleep all day Monday after the hours I know he worked Sat/Sun, but he surprised me and wanted to do our usual thang, so when his eyes started closing , I didn’t mind – we didn’t have anywhere to be, so just hanging out together was perfect.]

– dinner:

marinated beef fillet
premade nuked mashed potatoes, with way more than necessary sour cream added, plus some of those organic green onions ‘cuz we had ’em and could
nuked frozen veggie blend

and

2008 Ridge Lytton Springs Zinfandel
(Hubby got me two bottles of this for Christmas – one to open now and one to save for later – this was a wine we had found on one of our motorcycle trips where we challenged the sommelier to pick a wine that would go with what we All were eating, and this is what he came up with from their cellars – we’ve loved this wine ever since.)

– dessert:

homemade punkin pie made by Hubby last year and frozen since then, newly rediscovered when reorganizing freezer and one moved to fridge to thaw (other left in freezer for later, since no new pies were made this year), and canned real whipped cream I had picked up at the market the other day (I realized once I rinsed the cranberries and cut up the oranges and put them all in the pot that the two cups of orange juice my recipe called for would drink Hubby out of OJ – and that was Not something that would end well, so I grabbed the keys and headed out to the market to avert disaster – whew!).

Yeah, all in all not a bad Christmas, or at least it certainly Could have been a Whole Lot Worse, but Wasn’t!  🙂

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012 All Rights Reserved.

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This Must Be The Worse Before The Better

thumbs-down

December 11, 2012: Breast Cancer Support Group Holiday Potluck Party – otherwise known as the once-a-year gathering where those who no longer need the group on an ongoing basis bring something to eat and join the rest of us for a quick munch & gab & catch-up.

This event lands in my last week of Radiation Therapy.  To say I’m struggling is an understatement of epic proportions.

When I’m asked how I’m doing, I can barely (and sometimes not quite) keep from losing it, both with people I know from group, and those I don’t who are coming for their once-a-year appearance.

Maria is one of those people I meet who doesn’t come regularly, but comes to the party, and to whom I confess how hard things are for me just then.  It’s been years since she was in active treatment, yet she remembers seemingly like it was yesterday – I think we all do/will.

She tells me when radiation ends it gets worse, then it gets better.

I was told that the radiation is still active in my body for about 2 weeks after the last treatment.  I assumed when Maria said there’s a further dip and then things start to look up (I’m paraphrasing), that the worse would be about two weeks long and then end.

My last treatment was Friday, December 14th – 12 days ago.  I don’t feel like better is going to show up in two days.  I think I made an assumption and just realized it’s probably not a valid one.

Last weekend, Hubby had to work all weekend moving his company.  My office was closed Monday/Tuesday, as was his (providing the moving was completed enough).  When he told me he was working Saturday and Sunday (and that they would be long days), I was thrilled.

I don’t get really any meaningful time alone in my house these (general) days – with the way our schedules interact.  Being an only child (and Hubby a first-born), we both need alone time – maybe more than folks with more siblings.

Now that the absolutely overwhelming schedule of Radiation Therapy has backed off quite a bit, lots of things are flooding in, the chatter seems to have intensified:

Work: revise this, draft this, file this, fax this, answer this phone, schedule this meeting, cover for this person on vacation, etc.

Personal: check in with Mom, check in with Dad, listen to Hubby, (and with Christmas yesterday: buy this, wrap this, send this – do it all On Time), etc.

Household: dishes, laundry, pay this, stop for this, buy this online, descale the coffeemaker, clean out the fridge, manage the grocery list, etc.

And of course, everybody’s happy right now – taking vacations, giving and getting just the right gifts, opening their hearts to family and friends – and looking forward to the “fresh start” the New Year provides.

I’m not happy right now and the new year is Not a fresh start for me (as I’m only mid-way through my active treatment)  – I’m still fucking tired, on So Many Levels – physically, emotionally, FYI in case you were wondering my last pain-free day was August 12, 2012 – the day before my first surgery.  So I either feel guilty about not sharing everyone else’s joy for/with them, or am further exhausted by faking it for/with them.

I was thrilled with Hubby having to work because right now I just want to be alone.  I feel like the last six months have been a blur of overwhelming input and I just need quiet.  To get that quiet, I need to be alone and let the rest of the world’s demands go away.  I had two days of that.  I need more.

I imagine this crawling into a hole period will have some people upset – I’m going to have to try to not care.  I need to walk my talk of being selfish.

I need that quiet to process – to transform another part of the journey toward “after the first year.”

I imagine some people in my life are going to notice this difference and not like it.  Because what they think about what I’m doing is not actually about me, I’m going to have to try to not care.

I don’t know what that means for this blog in the near future, I actually don’t know what that means for a lot of aspects of my life in any (insert short-, mid-, long-term word here) future.

I guess I’ll be sitting with quiet as much as I can create it while waiting for…

thumbs_up_bciy

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SNL (1975-1980, 1985-Present): December 15-16, 2012

Who gets the reference?

Saturday:

– coffee
– reading in bed
– bowl of cereal, also in bed
– first nap

[Okay, this was really just getting my ass through to morning.  I only half-intentionally did an experiment last night – fell asleep without taking my meds.  No Benadryl.  No pain meds.

I woke up at 4:30am for no reason that I could think of.  The great news about that is that I Did Not wake up because I hurt (which tells me I don’t need to take the Norco at night anymore to sleep through).  The good news is that it was Saturday, so who cared if I slept funny.

In fact, I was up for a couple of hours, then had First Nap, which if it had been properly tacked on to my night’s sleep might have gotten me through to about 7:00am.  As it was, separate from the rest of my night as it was, it took me through to about 9:30am.]

– coffee
– reading in bed

[If this looks familiar, it is actually Not a typo, but rather “Second Verse, Same As The First!”  Yep, I did it all over again.]

– brunch with Hubby
– Second Nap
– empty/reload dishwasher
– take trash out/replace bag
– do dishes by hand
– clean out refrigerator
– clean up grocery store list in app
– make dinner

Sunday:

– coffee
– reading in bed

[Yeah, I know, there’s a pattern here.  I am Not a morning person.  Let me just put it this way – stay out of my face until the first cup of coffee is completed and nobody gets hurt.

One of the hardest things about Radiation Therapy was having to get up and out of the house in such a short time, so when I don’t have to, I’m Enjoying Not.]

– brunch with Hubby (mmm, cage-free eggs!)
– vaping & hanging with Hubby
– watching accumulated music programs recorded on the DVR with Hubby, while knitting the poncho from here.
– snack for dinner

Things Not Accomplished This Weekend (That I Had Planned to Accomplish):

– clean up bedroom, put clothes/shoes away
– do laundry
– decorate mini-pumpkins with supplies purchased a while ago

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012 All Rights Reserved.