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Radiation Therapy Journal – Day 4 – Thursday November 1, 2012

This is the first time I’m deciding to go to RTher all by myself – you know, like a big girl.

Treatment Notes:

– my RTher asked where my Mom was, why wasn’t she here?  Really?  I finally decide to treat this thing like it’s no big deal in the hope that acting as if will actually make it feel like no big deal (I’m just coming in for some quick RTher and then I’m off to work – no biggie, right?) and he asks me where my Mom is. . .facepalm.  Well, he knows I’m an only child (from talking to my Mom previously), and he also has only one child, so he’s asking from his/her POV.

This actually got me thinking – I went home and promptly asked Mom, Dad and Hubby if they were as involved with my treatment as they want to be, for themselves.  I figured I prolly knew the answer but I asked anyway, separately, each of them.  I’m not sure that I would have changed anything if they had said “no” but thankfully they all answered “Yes.”  So, tomorrow I’ll let Iggy know that I asked, they said yes, and gently (he really is a good guy) remind him that it’s about me first, before it’s about them.

– a little warmth this morning when they did the down-from-above angle

Side Effects:

– late afternoon fatigue – about the time I usually take my walk around the block – 4:00pmish.  I’ll make it through, but tired enough that my eyes are starting to hurt and there is actual yawning.  I’ve been told to expect serious fatigue, at some point before the end of treatment, which could last up to several months after treatment ends (since things are still ‘cooking’ in there – nice, I know).  I’m hoping this isn’t that, but just reaching the end of my usual weekly energy allotment.  Of course my RSurg thinks my body is, in her word, hyper-reactive (and no, for those who are thinking it, she didn’t mean that in the good way – get your mind out of the gutter just for a minute, k?), so who knows?

– intermittent breast pain – some near the hematoma I still have lateral to the nipple and some from the nipple incision, which is now showing almost a pretty cherry red – if I do lose my skin integrity during this, I’m afraid that may be the first spot to go.  Thought about using ice, again, but didn’t – I was too damn tired to deal with it.  Doesn’t make sense, right, and yet it’s true.

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012 All Rights Reserved.

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Radiation Therapy Journal – Day 3 – Wednesday October 31, 2012

Slightly less freaked out after Not being poked/fought with for two whole days.  We’ll see what the doc has to say about my stomach issues – took anti-nausea meds on the way to RTher this morning.

When I came in to the suite this morning I asked the waiting room receptionist to let my ROnc know that I wanted to see her this morning after my treatment.

Treatment Notes:

– didn’t really notice any sensation today

Doctor’s Appointment:

– I’m glad to see my, yes admittedly combative, attitude yesterday did not put off my new doc.  I brought up the concern about nausea and stomach pain leading to real permanent damage.  She could have pulled the “I’m a doctor, just trust me, it’ll be fine” crap, but she didn’t.  She said she didn’t do my radiation plan (she didn’t, the asshole did), so she brought it up on the computer, showing me where it was and where my stomach was and that they did Not overlap.  She actually showed me medical evidence for what she was saying, thereby buying actual credibility with me.  Only then did she opine that my stomach problems may be a result of my anxiety.  Hm, okay, I was certainly open to that possibility (I was under no illusions that I was no more than an inch below the ceiling, and had been at least that tightly wound for almost two weeks), so let’s treat that with an anti-anxiety med – script 1.  This will also help me sleep, which will help reduce the anxiety, which will help me sleep, and so on.

– And, by the way , I was Not told that I would be swelling would be this bad, or this early – I mean even before today’s treatment!  I’m talking at least a half cup, maybe a full cup, and all the way around to the side of my body and up into my axilla.  Swelling causes pain that is breaking through the two Aleves I have on board 24 hours a day, so is this normal?  Why haven’t I heard about this happening so much and so soon?  So, no, it’s unusual to happen so soon, but it’s not unheard of.  Great.  Okay, so let’s further help me sleep by seeing if I can Not wake up in pain, so let’s treat that with a pain med – script 2.

Side Effects:

– No nausea or stomach pain today, that’s a step in the right direction

– breast pain: ice pack used three times – twice on the hematoma lateral to the nipple, and once on the nipple itself.  One time it felt so good in there I almost forgot to take it out after 15 minutes.  Time to start using a timer on that deal again.

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012 All Rights Reserved.

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Radiation Therapy Journal – Day 2 – Tuesday October 30, 2012

Generally pretty freaked out still.  Meeting my new ROnc for the first time.  We’ll see how it goes.

Treatment Notes:

– slight feeling of warmth when they did the up-from-under angle

Doctor’s Appointment:

– I’ll admit it, I came in swinging my sword, so to speak.  I was not about to give her a chance to be like the first doctor I’d seen in that office.  It wasn’t just me establishing dominance though, I was still honestly anxious about the whole deal and needed her to know that (as if I could hide it, ha).  It was a kind of a crappy way to get to know a new doctor, but it was what it was.  I told her that I could not wait 15 minutes each week after my treatment to see her because I had to be at work in a nearby city by 9:00am – yes, every weekday.  She unfortunately gave me the “I have a lot of patients and I try to see everybody as soon after their therapy as possible.”  Okay, realistically I know there are other people in the world.  Absolutely.  But, unless some of those other patients are going to go work my work day, or pay my bills…what?  They don’t care about me?  They have their own lives and shit to worry about?  Right.  Absolutely.  Me too.  I prefaced my next comment by saying I hoped she understood how I said this, but “I don’t care about your other patients.  I have to manage my life first.”  Told doc about yesterday’s nausea and she gave me a script for anti-nausea meds.

Side Effects:

– so yesterday’s nausea has today turned into today’s actual stomach pain, just like when my GERD is out of control.  So this makes me wonder exactly where they’re radiating that I’m having such stomach problems.  And I’m going to have to see the doc again tomorrow (I was told I could see a doc any day I needed to, but no Less often than once a week during radiation), because a few months of this (side effects, so I’m told, can last from 3 weeks to a couple of months After the end of treatment as your body catches back up to the damage that’s been done to it) is one thing, 40 years of it from permanent damage done is something we need to talk about.  So back to the doc again tomorrow.

– breast pain: wow, it’s been a bunch of weeks since I thought about putting an ice pack in my bra, and I’m back to that – two separate times.

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Radiation Therapy Journal – Day 1 – Monday October 29, 2012

Treatment Notes:

– slight feeling of warmth when they did the up-from-under angle

Side Effects:

– nausea after treatment – Really?  I hadn’t heard much about nausea as a side effect of radiation therapy, and certainly not after One treatment – this is gonna be fun!

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Locks of Love – For Those Who Come After Me

A week before my first surgery, I went to get a haircut.  A serious haircut.

At that point my hair was pretty long, by anyone’s standards, very much like that of Lady Godiva.

I decided to cut it so as to make it easier to take care of after my surgeries (short enough to be washed leaning back into the sink if necessary).  I figured I’d cut off enough to donate to Locks of Love – two birds with one stone, don’t ya know? – for those who come after me.  I didn’t at that point know whether I’d need chemo and end up losing my hair or not, but either way I figured it was good karma and just the right thing to do.

Although I came out of there feeling bald (in the world according to me), I also was not going to let an inch or two keep me from donating since I was cutting most of my hair off anyway.  I had just enough to meet the length they needed and leave me with a just-longer-than-chin-length bob.  Okay, it met both of the criteria, and I knew it would grow back (I’ve always had lots of thick hair), and if I had to have chemo, lost my hair, and it grew back different (as more than rarely happens), well that was a bridge I didn’t even have to admit existed at that point, let alone deal with crossing.

The week between getting it cut and having my first surgery, I had posted for my friends on Facebook a picture of my cut-off ponytail with the caption “On it’s way to Locks of Love.”

Well, then the rest of the week was cleaning up the house, stocking the fridge, doing laundry, setting up the bedroom with what I thought I’d want while recovering and just plain continuing to breathe in and out to keep the anxiety level anywhere near reasonable.

And then there were two surgeries (two weeks apart to the day), follow-up appointments with both surgeons, getting my ass back to work, interviewing new doctors for the next stage of treatment, doing physical therapy for side effects from at least one of the surgeries, starting the next stage of treatment, and getting at least the bare minimum of chores done to keep my life running (food in the house, enough clean clothes to dress to leave the house every day, paying at least some of the bills).

Needless to say, today this ponytail was still on my desk in my home office.

TODAY IT IS GOING WHERE IT WAS INTENDED TO BE SENT THREE MONTHS AGO!  🙂

Here’s what’s going in the package:

And here’s the package all packed up, stamped and heading out to it’s destination!  🙂

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012 All rights Reserved.

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I’m lucky enough to have found a man who was taught and lives this.

I’m reblogging for those women who have not yet found the man who will love them like this, and for those women who have never had a man like this in their lives, so they don’t know what to look for in their mate – use this as at least one of your decision points about who to give your time, energy and attention to – about who to keep or not keep in your life.

I wish for every woman to find a mate (of whatever gender works for her) who will love her like this – as is mentioned in the post, Not because she can’t take care of herself, but because we all deserve to be loved like this.

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012 All rights Reserved.

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Daily Prompt – “When was the last time you felt really, truly lonely?”

Okay, I’ll ‘fess up right away – some might think this is cheating.

And I will apologize and ask forgiveness (as I’m very new to this blogging thing and don’t yet know all the ‘rules’) if I am Completely breaking a Cardinal Rule in the name of recycling for the sake of sharing with more people.

The answer to this challenge can be found in my recent post “Dr. Rex Hoffman – Office Visit – October 22, 2012.”

I’m (re-)posting because, although I would not have described the word “lonely” when characterizing my feelings from this experience – that occurrence flashed visually through my mind the minute I read today’s Daily Prompt.  Funny how one thing doesn’t always lead to another, but the second can lead directly back to the first, eh?

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012 All rights Reserved.

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Weekly Writing Challenge – I Wish I Were…

. . . able to quit my job and be a full-time college student again.

Now, I doubt I’m pining for what you think I’m pining for.

Midway through my freshman year in college, the first love of my life died in a motorcycle accident.  I managed to stay in college another year before I realized I just couldn’t finish that just then in my life.  So I quit, became a baby nurse, and then a nanny, and after that, my life went another way.  The first part of my college “career” was pretty much the same as high school – cliques and not really feeling like I fit in – but with alcohol.  The second part is a blur, as I sleep-walked (is that a word?) through my life mostly (but not entirely – I’ve forgotten my roommate’s name, but will never forget the night she came into my room to find me crying in a heap on the floor, picked me up and held me until I stopped and when I finished, left the room, closing the door behind her – all without saying a single word) alone because people assumed at 17 years old I couldn’t possibly have loved my man as much as I did or been as affected by losing him as I actually was.  The truth is, his death changed the entire course of my life.

So, no, I’m not just wanting to throw off my adult responsibility to go back to some (for me, imagined) free time with no real responsibilities.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve taken the odd college class here and there – two online and one live and in person at a local community college.

I miss being able to focus on something (with a goal – somehow wandering around on the net isn’t quite as satisfying to me in the same way) that is so unlike my real life.  I’ll admit it, I’m bored with my work.  It requires a specialized knowledge base, and technology is infiltrating it too which is interesting for me to watch (being a bit of a tech geek), but I’ve been doing it for 14 years now (with a stint of something else tucked into the middle here and there).  In that time, any intrinsic pleasure I’ve gotten from it has long since faded away.

I will say that if I have to work, I’ve landed at a pretty great place to do it, so I am grateful for my employment, managers and colleagues.  It’s still not the same as wanting to come to work every day for the work itself.

I realize I’m making choices here, and I stand by them; that doesn’t mean I don’t wish some things were different.

Between a mortgage that’s upside down, a year or so of un/under-employment that ended about a year ago but we’re still digging out from, and being in primary breast cancer treatment which my budget did not have room to accommodate four months ago when I was diagnosed and still doesn’t have room for, I doubt (unless I win a big lottery) that my ‘wish’ will ever come true.

I was 38 years old when I bought my first house and survived keeping it despite Hubby having an accident 3 months (yes, not a typo) after moving in, breaking his back and having his own year-long healing hurdle to overcome, and despite being un/under-employed for a year quite recently.

When I was looking for work that would financially replace what had been lost, Hubby (last love of my life) wanted, more than anything, for me to find work that would make me happy.  He explicitly told me that he would be willing to change our housing situation to meet that goal, for which (among other reasons) I will love him always – but I wasn’t – I’d worked too hard to get it and keep it through one hardship already, so this is the choice I’ve made, and some days it’s harder to remember why I made it than others.  I do the best I can at this, and lots of other things, every day.

Bottom line – I wish I were able to quit my job to go be a full-time student, have that intellectual excitement and stimulation again and finish my degree . . . but not enough to give up my house.

I’ll have to keep looking for ways within the structure of my current life, or find something else I’m willing to change, to get that need met.

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012 All rights Reserved.

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Daily Prompt – “National Bathrobe Day”

National Bathrobe Day is a Holiday that pops up in my life on an irregular basis.

It has actually existed for a long time, long before I got the above name from an ex-boyfriend.

The best celebrations of National Bathrobe Day take some preparation…

– a market run is made to ensure all possibly desired foods/libations are at hand in the house

– it used to be a run to the video store (yes, that’s how old – and beyond – this holiday is) had to be done to rent videos for falling asleep to and other forms of time wasting

– one’s coziest pajama’s or other night/loungewear has to be freshly cleaned

. . . because here are the rules:

1.  There is no answering the phone.

2. There is no answering the door.

3. There is no leaving the house.

4. One must relax, whatever that means to the practitioner, for a whole day.

5. If one has made an error of epic proportions and forgotten some essential item for proper celebration (which item and its essentialness is Completely determined by the practitioner, in her sole discretion) – one May slink out the door to acquire said item, But one May Not actually wear outside clothes to do so (sweats/loungewear and slippers permitted Only – no jeans, real shoes, female upper undergarments, etc.).  Hence the pre-planning.

Why do I think we need National Bathrobe Day?

Because sometimes we all need to give ourselves permission to deliberately, consciously, (temporarily) crawl into a cave of our own devising . . .

. . . to stop the constant doing . . .

. . . to allow for some deep breaths . . .

. . . to give ourselves a chance to get bored once in a while . . .

. . . to allow ourselves a space where we answer to Nobody but ourselves for just a little while . . .

. . . to occasionally take a fucking nap . . .

. . . to allow ourselves just to Be, without a purpose or goal . . .

. . . just because.

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SNL (1975-1980, 1985-Present): October 27-28, 2012

Who gets the reference?

This has been a rough one – again.

[Friday Night:

– took phone call from Dr. Rex Hoffman while standing in Costco, thereby ruining the upcoming weekend, which had looked promising after the catharsis of sending the email Thursday night, and was now a total loss
– emailed MOnc requesting a phone call this weekend]

Saturday:

– coffee
– took call from MOnc re how to handle Dr. Rex Hoffman issue
– trip to Oak Glen, CA with Hubby [See “General Gratitude – For Small Things That Help Me Get Through A Day“]

Our shopping list:
– peach fruit-only preserves/sourdough bread at Mom’s Country Orchards
– Apple Blossom Honey (in place of the Buckwheat I was looking for – Buckwheat only available from April to July – except for the Buckwheat honey I bought in October 2012 <shrug>]
– apple turnovers from Apple Annie’s Restaurant & Bakery
– jewelry from That Jewelry Lady
-pulled pork sandwich and Jonagold ice cream (made on the spot!) for lunch in the courtyard at Snow-Line Orchard
– apples, granola, apple wedger, cider, apple cider mini donuts and apple cinnamon bread from inside Snow-Line Orchard

– dinner on the way home with Hubby at Maria’s
– quick stop at the market for a few basics
– unpacked the truck of our ‘haul’ onto the kitchen counter [I figure Sunday is time enough to divide up, freeze, put away, etc.]

Sunday:

– coffee
– blogging
– sharing on FB [Different content on each platform]
– brunch @ home out of the freezer with Hubby
– more blogging & sharing on FB
– packed apple gift bags for Mom, Dad & someone at Hubby’s work, plus packed up granola bought in Oak Glen for someone I work with
– dinner & Phillip Island MotoGP on tvC