Interesting What People Do and Don’t Notice

Contact lens

Contact lens (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve worked at my current employer for a year and eight months.

In that time, not once have I worn my glasses.

Today I’m wearing them because one of my eyes is bothering me enough that I don’t want to put a contact lens in it . . .

. . . and not one person has noticed.

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

Awakening

I think cancer is causing this awakening for me…

awakening

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it … When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out “ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling t…o hold on.” And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective………..This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something or someone to change, or for happiness safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

So you begin making your way through the “reality of today” rather than holding out for the “promise of tomorrow.” You realize that much of who you are and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you’ve received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about :

– how you should look and how much you should weigh,
– what you should wear and where you should shop,
– where you should live or what type of car you should drive,
– who you should sleep with and how you should behave,
– who you should marry and why you should stay,
– the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family,

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

-Sonny Carroll (Awakening)

~via Soulfire Sacred Bodywork~

This is beautiful, and I think true for me, thanks to my breast cancer, and is put in a very positive light.

I don’t think it necessarily feels so positive to some other people in my life.

As I go through this transformation:

– I may be less likely to have conversations they want to have because I Don’t want to have it.
– I may be less likely to respond in conversation the way they expect me to.
– I may be less likely to respond to them in other ways they way they expect me to.
– I may not give them the time and/or attention they want or expect.

I think you probably see where I’m going here.  I’m simply no longer the person they think I am or who I actually used to be.  From my perspective it is all personal and positive – I Literally do not have time and/or energy to devote to things I no longer care about – and I do not do this out of Any malice whatsoever.  Still, I realize it can be disconcerting and confusing.  But that’s for them to work out, not me.

I’m definitely still in transition, a limbo I am accepting and quietly ‘being’ with until it shifts in its own time.  I don’t know who I’ll be when I come out the other end or what my (personal) life will look like or who will and won’t be in it.  (The basics of my life – Hubby, home, work are not likely to change – but even they, I suppose, could – NOT that I’m looking for them to.)

I’ll keep you posted.

Personal reflections – Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

100th Post: I Wore a Bra Today…

…all day, without padding my nipple with a nursing pad, and not once did my nipple harden and hurt for no discernible reason!

Well, not until I thought that it hadn’t and then, of course, it gave me a Zotz just to remind me it was still there.

I was composing this post in my head on my commute home, and let me tell you it was clever!

But, of course, after getting home, putting food stuff in the kitchen, realizing I left my iPad at work (confirmed by Find iPhone on my phone), getting out of work clothes and into snugglies…

…all that cleverness has evaporated.

Add to that evaporation the tiredness from the Tamoxifen (less than a week in and on only 5mg a day, for those in the know – does not bode too well going forward, eh?) and articulate speech goes nigh out the window.

That bra Also did Not hurt in either axilla – a definite problem the last time I wore one, so…

snoopy-happy-dance

Happy Dance!

Okay, theoretical Happy Dance (no Actual dance cuz of Tamoxifen fatigue, among other side effects already, to be shared in upcoming “Tamoxifen Journal” posts).

Or at least (hopefully) for another month or so until I have more surgery – possibly going in through the nipple(s), sending me back to step one with it(them)…

…but still!  I had today!

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

The Reality Blog Award Nomination

Reality Blog Award

Thank you so much to anotheronewiththecancer for the Reality Blog Award nomination!  I am so grateful that what sometimes just feels to me like selfish whining actually Helps someone else!

The rules for this award are:

  • Visit and thank the blogger who nominated you √
  • Acknowledge that blogger on your blog and link back to them √
  • Answer the 5 questions presented √
  • Nominate up to 20 blogs for the award and notify them on their blogs √
  • Copy and paste the award on your blog somewhere √

5 questions

1.   If you could change one thing what would you change?

The obvious answer would probably be to not have cancer, but I’m not sure if that’s true.  Oh, who am I kidding, trying to be all noble and shit – it probably is the answer.

2.   If you could repeat an age, what would it be?

It’s funny that this question shows up for me today.  We chanced into this conversation last night at Support Group, so my answer is 35, same as it was last night.

3.   What one thing really scares you?

Abandonment.

4.  What is one dream you have not completed, and do you think you’ll be able to complete it?

In retrospect, I would have answered this question as becoming a writer, but this blog’s existence means that dream has been completed.  Not sure what the next uncompleted dream is, will have to think on it…

5.  If you could be someone else for one day, who would it be?

I don’t know that there is anyone else I want to be instead of me, even for a day.

Question Disclaimer:

For those who’ve been reading me, my answers to the above questions are very uncharacteristically short, with really no explanation whatsoever.  I’ve got something weighing on my mind just now and it’s taking up almost all of my mental energy for the moment, so these answers are short and sweet.  These questions may (if I feel like expanding on my answers later) or may not (if I don’t feel like it) become their own posts in the future.

In return, I would like to nominate the following Bloggers (love their blogs):

The Jiggly Bits

The Oatmeal

Swift Expression

A Faded Romantic’s Notebook

Joy the Baker

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

Late for a Surprise Purpose: My Favorite Cigarette-Seller

First, let me say I’m still nicotine-free.

In fact, today is 135 days CFT!

No Smoking

Now, on to the point of the post:

I’ve been wigged lately (do a search on the tag “Tamoxifen;” there will be more posts with this tag soon).

This morning when I woke up I couldn’t get going – for no particular reason that stood out to me.  I didn’t even get out of bed until 7:30am, went downstairs and, while coffee was brewing, put together my supplements for the day (including the new ones I got yesterday to deal with common side effects of the Tamoxifen I’m starting Friday night).

Then I went out to the garage formerly-smoking area and watched a bit of news while sipping on my coffee.  For some odd reason, I just couldn’t get my ass moving to do the morning leaving-the-house-to-go-to-work deal until the clock showed 8:00am (the time I Really Should be getting in my car to drive to work).  Weirder still is that I wasn’t even stressed about it.

I went upstairs to do a super-quick clean-up, got dressed in clothes that are too tight ‘cuz I’ve gained 20 lbs during my cancer treatment so far – but that’s a Whole Nother (yes, I know, not a word – whose blog is this, again?  Right, thanks!) series of posts – took my morning meds and headed downstairs to make the day’s second cup of coffee (the one that goes to work with me).

Made the coffee, got in the car, turned the car on, realized (as I had seen last night coming home from group, but was no longer foremost in my mind after a night’s sleep) that I had to put gas in the car before I went very far or I wouldn’t get anywhere at all.

Headed to the gas station, and went inside the building because strangely enough the pump registers at this particular gas station don’t work with my debit card (a debit card that works Everywhere Else I use it to pay for stuff – who the hell knows?).

And I run smack into Roz, my favorite person from my former cigarette shop near my house (former because, of course, I don’t smoke anymore – much praise on this account is still quite welcome).

She and I talked for a few with her telling me I’m facing this cancer with grace and that I look great (I told her she caught me on a good day, despite being wigged lately – but maybe it was just running into her).  She is such a warm, sweet woman and apparently the joy she lavished on me this morning is still doing its thing.  Thank you Roz – I’m grateful for you today!

So, I guess what I’m getting at is maybe I was supposed to be at that gas station at that time (and Not earlier which I would have been had I been out of the house at my usual time) so seeing Roz could bless my day, and I didn’t even know it.

Oh, and I was only 5 minutes late to work too!  Score!

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

Thoughts: Week of December 26-28, 2012 (No Mon/Tues)

Wednesday:

8:10am-9:07 Drive from Home to Work

[With one stop at Sears to buy two of these:

Angel pig

Hehehe, okay, here’s the deal.  Hubby and I have a tradition of wandering a local mall on Christmas Eve afternoon.  We’re both always done shopping by then and just like to wander – people-watching.  Figuring the ones who’re like us, just hanging out with nowhere to be, nuthin’ more to do from the ones who are just Starting their shopping.

And if we see something that trips our trigger and the lines aren’t too long, we’ll get it (we both got some super deals on clothes this year).

So we’re in a Sears on the opposite side of the mall from where we parked (we had gone in to look at a garage door opener for the 2nd garage door – we figured we’d spend a bit of Hubby’s recent overtime on getting the matching door opener for the second door if we came across a screaming deal on one.  We didn’t.  What we wanted was on sale, but not enough for us to buy it and cut our night short so I could stand over it at the curb while Hubby got the truck from the other end of the mall).

We Did, However, find the Pig.  🙂  You see, it spoke to both of us, on many levels:

– Hubby is from Cincinnati, please see The Big Pig Gig (flying pigs)
– We found them at christmastime and they’re angel pigs
– They’re pink and therefore a little Out of the Christmas thing, just a little Crazy
– While neither of us like the stupid pink ribbon, it’s pink and well, we all know what I’m doing this year and some of next, so…

For any of you reading who are offline friends, please be forewarned that as of no longer than a week from now, when you come to our house, be prepared to see two (they have to keep each other company, you know, because just one would be lonely all by itself) pink, lighted, angel pigs in my front yard – year round!

Because just like this blog is entirely my world to command, Some parts of the Real World are also mine to design!

So I was going to leave early this morning to go to that Sears (out of my way by quite a bit) to pick up the pigs on my way to work, but basically this morning when I got up, I just didn’t fucking want to schlep it And there was a freeway closure between me and work, so I said screw it – I’ll take my chances and go on my lunch hour.

But, lots of folks are Not going to work at all this week, so when I got close to work and my nav program said I’d get to work at 8:57, I said to myself: hell, if there’s nobody there this early, I’ll run in to see if I can get the pigs here (and who the fuck cares if 8:57 turns into 9:10ish), and if the parking lot is packed, it’s back to Plan B – taking my chances at lunchtime.

Yep, got to work at 9:10ish, with two pink lighted angel pigs in my trunk.  :)]

Work
Lunch
Work
5:30pm-6:30pm Drive from Work to Home

Thursday:

8:25am-9:05am Drive from Home to Work
Work
Lunch

scarantinos pas-thumb

[Right before lunch, I had this craving for simple, basic spaghetti with meat sauce – it was delicious!]

Work

[I forgot to put a watch on this morning and it took me until 3:30 pm to realize it.]

5:30pm-7:45pm Drive from Work to Home

[Three stops on the way:

– get gas
– stop at market (Hubby out of OJ again and could be working until late into the night again – yes, I can be a good wife)
– pick up more meds]

Didn’t get to sleep until 10:30 😦

[Get home, call Mom before 8 ‘cuz she’s busy with something then, eat, make sure Hubby eats, get out of work clothes, try to calm down from a long busy day, take meds, lay down & read until Benadryl makes eyes close]

Friday:

Up at 4:30am for no reason – except maybe I was hot…hm… – and never got back to sleep.  😦

[Confession: my home office has become an absolute disaster the last 5 months or so.  I know, no surprise.  But now it’s making me crazy (which actually kind of means I must be feeling better and having some more energy to do something about it, But relax, it may not last long, and don’t act like I have to keep feeling this way, I’m not a trained puppy to be happy on cue).  Spent some time this morning cleaning up and partly clearing some decks.  I got into it – it felt good, hence being late to leave the house and late for work.  That’s some of that All Alone with Nobody To Answer To (not even Hubby, though the goddess knows I love the man) Time I need these days – just of me, by me and for me.  Please see “This Must Be The Worse Before The Better.”]

Oh, and this morning I Did remember to put a watch on before I left the house.  A watch that fit a couple of days ago, but was uncomfortably snug now (too snug to wear in fact – I don’t do clothes, etc. that bind, period) – which means after six months of this, I finally may actually have lymphedema all the way down my arm – fun!]

8:25am-9:15am Drive from Work to Home

[With 1 stop for weekly Starbucks treat.

So, for months I’ve been having a problem with my Starbucks app where it won’t reload one of my cards – it keeps saying something like “We’re having trouble reloading your card.  Please check your balance again in a few minutes.”  Now there’s nothing in there to indicate a problem with the debit card it’s attached to, like it’s oh, say, Expired or something?  For some unknown reason this morning it occurred to me that an expired card might be the issue.  Lo and behold, I changed the expiration date, tried again and it Worked!  Seriously, I realize it was something I needed to change, but the error message they decided on kept indicating to me that either the app itself was broken, or the problem was with their backend – there was nothing in it (at least the way I read it) to indicate it was something I needed to attend to. <facepalm>]

Work
Lunch
Work
5:30pm-6:20pm Drive from Work to Home

Additional Tasks Accomplished This Week:

– blogged
– put gas in the car
– picked up two pink lighted angel pigs for the front yard
– paid some bills
– ordered some sale clothes online from Soma.com
– got some more meds (the last time they’re “free” since next Tuesday begins a new deductible/max out-of-pocket period and I get to go back to paying for medical stuff again)

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012 All Rights Reserved.

Writing Challenge: Starting Over – Up at Midnight

Reposted January 14, 2013 re Writing Challenge: Starting Over.

Midnight-clock

There’s one day of the year when being up at midnight is a “thing” – New Year’s Eve.  Here in the US that was last night.

I’m not a big New Year’s girl.  Never really have been.

Yesterday I had a half day of work (they shut down extra early and sent us all home) and I came home to rest (see “What Looked Like ‘Better’ Turned Out to be PMS and a Full Moon“), which ended up being a late nap (about 4pm-6pm).  I knew that would screw with my night’s sleep, but as quickly as I fell asleep after lying down, I apparently needed it.  And I was off work today, so who cared if I was up half the night.

And I was.  And then some.

After waking up and having separate dinner together with Hubby (we both kind of fended for ourselves according to personal taste at the moment but prepared and ate together – you can do that when there are no kids to feed), we both settled in to rest – me still from the radiation fatigue and him from some crazy long days at work last week and a relatively active weekend.

We were having nice quiet time separately in the house together and along about 11ish I checked on him – sound asleep in his room.

I went back to bed and finished the book I was reading.

The Winter Palace

The time was about 11:40pm.

I picked up a new book (which I have decided is my first book of 2013 . . . because I can) and started to read it.

Beautiful Disaster

It grabbed me right away, so I forgot about the time.

Then I heard noise from outside.  It only took a nanosecond to realize what the noise signified.

I looked up from my book.

There I was, alone in bed, Hubby safely and peacefully sleeping in his room, a book in my hand, still hearing the year turn.

I took a moment to just be.

In a way, though it was near 15 hours ago, I feel like I’m still in that moment.

I could hear my neighbors fresh starts being shouted to the Universe, and thankfully I was not required to participate.

I felt something in that moment that is lurking still somewhere in my consciousness.

I don’t know what to call it.

I do not have the sense of transition that often comes with this night/day.  I do not have the relief of leaving the year in the past or the societally-imposed hope for a better year upcoming – behind me are two surgeries and destruction (yes, it’s actually what the real goal of radiation treatment is, even if saying it that way makes some people uncomfortable) of my cells – ahead of me are more surgeries and chemical castration in the form of anti-hormonal medications leading to artificial, forced menopause.

I’m very glad that when I go to sleep tonight, this year’s official “Holiday Season” will be over.  A few more days of being wished “Happy New Year” and facing the expectation that I display hope and joy in response to same, and then maybe I can breathe easier.

Being where I am in my cancer treatment, I have no realistic expectation that most of 2013 is going to be much better, easier or more fun than most of 2012 – that’s my reality.

I believe lots of people Do have that expected hopefulness and transition happening for them, and if you are one of them, I am truly glad for you – I just ask that you please not expect me to feel and display the same this year.

And before you try to buck me up, I’m okay with where I am just now.  I’m trying to just sit with it until it shifts.  And it will, in it’s own time.

Check with me a year from now, I may feel differently.

I went back to reading my book for a few more hours; I couldn’t put it down.

I finally took a 2nd Benadryl, which forced my eyes to close.

It was 4:00 am.

SNL (1975-1980, 1985-Present): December 22-25, 2012

Who gets the reference?

Saturday:

[So, this morning I wake up to kiss Hubby and send him off to work.  You see he is off moving his company, all day and into the night.

Which means I have the house all to myself!]

– knitting in bed

[It took me Three times of doing this gauntlet, before I got it right to half the thumb gusset, and then I did the last part of the thumb inside out!]

– brunch
– knitting in bed
– watching Hart of Dixie on Netflix – one episode right after another – marathon style
– dinner

Sunday:

– kiss Hubby and send him to work…again!  🙂

[I do love my man And (not but) I also Love Another day All To Myself!]

– coffee in bed
– more Hart of Dixie, in bed
– more knitting, in bed

[This time I did the second/matching, well, technically they’re called Hand Warmers, completely correct, including the whole thumb!]

– nap (a nap day is Always better than a non-nap day)
– cleaned up kitchen
– loaded/ran dishwasher
– washed dishes
– reorganized freezer
– made cranberry sauce

[This time I used 2 of the organic oranges from my organic produce delivery – this batch came out really good with organic cranberries & oranges, and some local Buckwheat Honey I had found!]

Monday:

[Woke up to find Hubby at home, yay!  (There was some chance that he would have to work Monday.)]

– coffee in bed while
– reading in bed
– nap

[Um, where did the morning go?]

– hanging with Hubby for a few

[We decided to keep our Christmas Eve tradition, and so headed out to the mall (see  “Thoughts – Week of December 26-28, 2012.”]

– visiting the iPad Mini at the Apple Store (well meeting each other for the first time actually)
– shopping at Old Navy
– dinner at Macaroni Grill

Tuesday (Christmas Day):

– coffee downstairs together
– opening presents

[Santa must have realized I wasn’t a little girl anymore, since he got me liquor, chocolate and the yearly traditional sparkly for Christmas this year.

It had to be Red this year...

It had to be Red this year…

The yearly sparkly tradition began years ago with a set of diamond earrings showing up in my stocking – they were wadded up in tissue paper stuffed into a pyrex measuring cup (we had broken one that year and this was a good excuse to replace it).

Since then, I almost always get something sparkly for Xmas.  When life allows, it has been a Piece – something fantastic and expensive (like one year’s platinum and natural sapphire necklace), but most years it’s something for the jewelry box – something that gets worn continuously for a few weeks to a month, then goes into the jewelry box to be rotated in according to wardrobe.

Most years it is sapphire something (because of course, navy blue is my favorite color).  Last year, while Hubby and I were doing our Christmas Eve thing, just as we were about to buy that year’s sparkly (together – it happens that way sometimes), we got the call to go to the hospital Now – Grandma was being admitted.  New Year’s Eve day – after the devastating family decision to let her go to Grandpa – Hubby and I went back and completed that purchase.  It felt like the right thing to do – to bookend her with it somehow.  Well, it makes sense to me anyway.  Please see “I Missed You Last Night, Grandma – Single Malt Scotch and Election Returns.

But this year had to be red (see “I’ll Take Red Please.”) of course.  And the shape is no accident either.  My Hubby happens to have exceptional taste in jewelry generally (or at least taste that matches mine), and he’s very good at choosing jewelry with messages (I may hafta post the beautiful Piece he brought me back from Australia when he went there this past January for work – partly because V-Day was upcoming and partly as solace for the fact that I couldn’t go with him  😦 – it was chosen to convey a message too), and this year’s message is obvious.  :-)]

– breffast (outta the freezer – neither of us felt like actually cooking)
– hanging out with stuff recorded on the DVR and napping

[I actually was prepared for Hubby to sleep all day Monday after the hours I know he worked Sat/Sun, but he surprised me and wanted to do our usual thang, so when his eyes started closing , I didn’t mind – we didn’t have anywhere to be, so just hanging out together was perfect.]

– dinner:

marinated beef fillet
premade nuked mashed potatoes, with way more than necessary sour cream added, plus some of those organic green onions ‘cuz we had ’em and could
nuked frozen veggie blend

and

2008 Ridge Lytton Springs Zinfandel
(Hubby got me two bottles of this for Christmas – one to open now and one to save for later – this was a wine we had found on one of our motorcycle trips where we challenged the sommelier to pick a wine that would go with what we All were eating, and this is what he came up with from their cellars – we’ve loved this wine ever since.)

– dessert:

homemade punkin pie made by Hubby last year and frozen since then, newly rediscovered when reorganizing freezer and one moved to fridge to thaw (other left in freezer for later, since no new pies were made this year), and canned real whipped cream I had picked up at the market the other day (I realized once I rinsed the cranberries and cut up the oranges and put them all in the pot that the two cups of orange juice my recipe called for would drink Hubby out of OJ – and that was Not something that would end well, so I grabbed the keys and headed out to the market to avert disaster – whew!).

Yeah, all in all not a bad Christmas, or at least it certainly Could have been a Whole Lot Worse, but Wasn’t!  🙂

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012 All Rights Reserved.