Quotes That Speak To Me

*****

defiant woman

As I posted on FB when I shared this there:

Um, no, I’m there. I haven’t actually heard it verbally from people in my life, but they sure have treated me like they think I am.

Oh, and um, I’ve gotten flack from some people in my life (who shall remain completely un-referenced) who recognize themselves and don’t like that I share here how their actions make me feel.  Hence, my (for the moment – I reserve the right to change my mind at any time for any reason, and surely will at some point) deliberate and extreme vagueness and referred anonymity.

Interesting What People Do and Don’t Notice

Contact lens

Contact lens (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve worked at my current employer for a year and eight months.

In that time, not once have I worn my glasses.

Today I’m wearing them because one of my eyes is bothering me enough that I don’t want to put a contact lens in it . . .

. . . and not one person has noticed.

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

Awakening

I think cancer is causing this awakening for me…

awakening

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it … When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out “ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling t…o hold on.” And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective………..This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something or someone to change, or for happiness safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

So you begin making your way through the “reality of today” rather than holding out for the “promise of tomorrow.” You realize that much of who you are and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you’ve received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about :

– how you should look and how much you should weigh,
– what you should wear and where you should shop,
– where you should live or what type of car you should drive,
– who you should sleep with and how you should behave,
– who you should marry and why you should stay,
– the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family,

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

-Sonny Carroll (Awakening)

~via Soulfire Sacred Bodywork~

This is beautiful, and I think true for me, thanks to my breast cancer, and is put in a very positive light.

I don’t think it necessarily feels so positive to some other people in my life.

As I go through this transformation:

– I may be less likely to have conversations they want to have because I Don’t want to have it.
– I may be less likely to respond in conversation the way they expect me to.
– I may be less likely to respond to them in other ways they way they expect me to.
– I may not give them the time and/or attention they want or expect.

I think you probably see where I’m going here.  I’m simply no longer the person they think I am or who I actually used to be.  From my perspective it is all personal and positive – I Literally do not have time and/or energy to devote to things I no longer care about – and I do not do this out of Any malice whatsoever.  Still, I realize it can be disconcerting and confusing.  But that’s for them to work out, not me.

I’m definitely still in transition, a limbo I am accepting and quietly ‘being’ with until it shifts in its own time.  I don’t know who I’ll be when I come out the other end or what my (personal) life will look like or who will and won’t be in it.  (The basics of my life – Hubby, home, work are not likely to change – but even they, I suppose, could – NOT that I’m looking for them to.)

I’ll keep you posted.

Personal reflections – Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

100th Post: I Wore a Bra Today…

…all day, without padding my nipple with a nursing pad, and not once did my nipple harden and hurt for no discernible reason!

Well, not until I thought that it hadn’t and then, of course, it gave me a Zotz just to remind me it was still there.

I was composing this post in my head on my commute home, and let me tell you it was clever!

But, of course, after getting home, putting food stuff in the kitchen, realizing I left my iPad at work (confirmed by Find iPhone on my phone), getting out of work clothes and into snugglies…

…all that cleverness has evaporated.

Add to that evaporation the tiredness from the Tamoxifen (less than a week in and on only 5mg a day, for those in the know – does not bode too well going forward, eh?) and articulate speech goes nigh out the window.

That bra Also did Not hurt in either axilla – a definite problem the last time I wore one, so…

snoopy-happy-dance

Happy Dance!

Okay, theoretical Happy Dance (no Actual dance cuz of Tamoxifen fatigue, among other side effects already, to be shared in upcoming “Tamoxifen Journal” posts).

Or at least (hopefully) for another month or so until I have more surgery – possibly going in through the nipple(s), sending me back to step one with it(them)…

…but still!  I had today!

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

The Reality Blog Award Nomination

Reality Blog Award

Thank you so much to anotheronewiththecancer for the Reality Blog Award nomination!  I am so grateful that what sometimes just feels to me like selfish whining actually Helps someone else!

The rules for this award are:

  • Visit and thank the blogger who nominated you √
  • Acknowledge that blogger on your blog and link back to them √
  • Answer the 5 questions presented √
  • Nominate up to 20 blogs for the award and notify them on their blogs √
  • Copy and paste the award on your blog somewhere √

5 questions

1.   If you could change one thing what would you change?

The obvious answer would probably be to not have cancer, but I’m not sure if that’s true.  Oh, who am I kidding, trying to be all noble and shit – it probably is the answer.

2.   If you could repeat an age, what would it be?

It’s funny that this question shows up for me today.  We chanced into this conversation last night at Support Group, so my answer is 35, same as it was last night.

3.   What one thing really scares you?

Abandonment.

4.  What is one dream you have not completed, and do you think you’ll be able to complete it?

In retrospect, I would have answered this question as becoming a writer, but this blog’s existence means that dream has been completed.  Not sure what the next uncompleted dream is, will have to think on it…

5.  If you could be someone else for one day, who would it be?

I don’t know that there is anyone else I want to be instead of me, even for a day.

Question Disclaimer:

For those who’ve been reading me, my answers to the above questions are very uncharacteristically short, with really no explanation whatsoever.  I’ve got something weighing on my mind just now and it’s taking up almost all of my mental energy for the moment, so these answers are short and sweet.  These questions may (if I feel like expanding on my answers later) or may not (if I don’t feel like it) become their own posts in the future.

In return, I would like to nominate the following Bloggers (love their blogs):

The Jiggly Bits

The Oatmeal

Swift Expression

A Faded Romantic’s Notebook

Joy the Baker

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

Late for a Surprise Purpose: My Favorite Cigarette-Seller

First, let me say I’m still nicotine-free.

In fact, today is 135 days CFT!

No Smoking

Now, on to the point of the post:

I’ve been wigged lately (do a search on the tag “Tamoxifen;” there will be more posts with this tag soon).

This morning when I woke up I couldn’t get going – for no particular reason that stood out to me.  I didn’t even get out of bed until 7:30am, went downstairs and, while coffee was brewing, put together my supplements for the day (including the new ones I got yesterday to deal with common side effects of the Tamoxifen I’m starting Friday night).

Then I went out to the garage formerly-smoking area and watched a bit of news while sipping on my coffee.  For some odd reason, I just couldn’t get my ass moving to do the morning leaving-the-house-to-go-to-work deal until the clock showed 8:00am (the time I Really Should be getting in my car to drive to work).  Weirder still is that I wasn’t even stressed about it.

I went upstairs to do a super-quick clean-up, got dressed in clothes that are too tight ‘cuz I’ve gained 20 lbs during my cancer treatment so far – but that’s a Whole Nother (yes, I know, not a word – whose blog is this, again?  Right, thanks!) series of posts – took my morning meds and headed downstairs to make the day’s second cup of coffee (the one that goes to work with me).

Made the coffee, got in the car, turned the car on, realized (as I had seen last night coming home from group, but was no longer foremost in my mind after a night’s sleep) that I had to put gas in the car before I went very far or I wouldn’t get anywhere at all.

Headed to the gas station, and went inside the building because strangely enough the pump registers at this particular gas station don’t work with my debit card (a debit card that works Everywhere Else I use it to pay for stuff – who the hell knows?).

And I run smack into Roz, my favorite person from my former cigarette shop near my house (former because, of course, I don’t smoke anymore – much praise on this account is still quite welcome).

She and I talked for a few with her telling me I’m facing this cancer with grace and that I look great (I told her she caught me on a good day, despite being wigged lately – but maybe it was just running into her).  She is such a warm, sweet woman and apparently the joy she lavished on me this morning is still doing its thing.  Thank you Roz – I’m grateful for you today!

So, I guess what I’m getting at is maybe I was supposed to be at that gas station at that time (and Not earlier which I would have been had I been out of the house at my usual time) so seeing Roz could bless my day, and I didn’t even know it.

Oh, and I was only 5 minutes late to work too!  Score!

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012-2013 All Rights Reserved.

SNL (1975-1980, 1985-Present): December 29, 2012 – January 1, 2013

Who gets the reference?

Saturday:

– coffee/knitting in the “nest” in my home office

[My “nest” is a loveseat of which each side is an independent recliner, and has lived in my home office since we got it, many moons ago.  On top of it reside a couple of neck pillows and a comforter, so I can be comfies there.]

– Starbucks

[S/F Mocha w/ whip for the drive to the Westside.]

– Lunch @ Mom’s
– Dad’s old (current) place
– Dad’s new place

[Lots of emotions happening with these stops – See “What Looked Like ‘Better” Turned Out to be PMS and a Full Moon.”]

– Frosting Cupcakery

Frosted Cupcakery

[Stopped at this place on the spur of the moment, thinking I’d pick up a cupcake or two (emotional eating, I know, it was a rough day).  When I got there I thought I’m headed through Burbank anyway on my way home which means stopping at Dad’s Donuts because their chocolate cream donut makes my toes curl in a good way – no exaggeration – “Don’t Bother Me, I’m Eating!”

So I happened to see their Frosted Cupcakery’s Hi-Tops and figured I’d get two of those (the seem like two- or three-biters, so they’d be just a nice little taste for Hubby and me).  I got a white chocolate salted caramel and a chocolate peppermint (didn’t see this flavor on their website, so I’m guessing it’s a seasonal deal).]

Sit N Stitch
– Unwind

Unwind Knitting Burbank

– Bed Bath & Beyond

[I had stopped for a salad spinner – I was gonna get one even though Mom said I could have hers since she never uses it – but the line was too long and I was getting tired.  This had been a pretty big day already.]

– Home

Sunday:

– collapse

[Yeah, I got through my Saturday and I was done.  So, I think I did the following things, not necessarily in this order:

– coffee
– reading
– watching tv
– knitting
– napping

After napping, Hubby told me he had placed an order at the Container Store of a few more bits for our ongoing garage remodel project and they had texted him it was ready for pickup – I could come with him to get it or stay home, whatever I wanted.  I decided to go, so . . .]

– Starbucks: coffee for the road
– Container Store: picking up the stuff he’d ordered

[He called them as we pulled up outside, they brought it out and loaded it up – we didn’t even have to get out of the truck – Love That!]

– Maria’s Italian Kitchen: Dinner

[We had previously eaten there a couple months ago, on the way back from one of our trips to Oak Glen (See “SNL (1975-1980, 1985-Present): October 27-28, 2012.”), we didn’t have one near us, we were driving by one and it was almost dinner time – so I asked Hubby if he wanted to eat before we headed home – we did.]

– Home: hanging out while Hubby installed garage bits

Monday:

– 9:00am-1:00pm work

[Yeah, I decided to just stick this in here ‘cuz it’s a half day in what otherwise woulda been another 4-day weekend, and I didn’t wanna make a whole new separate post for it and well, it’s just here – so there.]

– H&M

H&M

[My previous stash of Gap t-shirts is starting to wear out, and I’ve recently fallen in love with H&M’s L.O.G.G. brand t-shirts (they’re cheaper than Gap too) ‘cuz they’re So Soft they’re comfortable directly on my sore nipple, and that’s seriously saying something – SCORE!  So I went and got myself some to replace the ones that are wearing out.]

– Target

Target_640x455

[Stopped by a Target to try to pick up a skirt in my size that Hubby had gotten me, but he had brought home a size too small (yep, if you’re gonna err, that’s the direction to do it!), but couldn’t find it in the size I wanted.  :-(]

– Nap @ Home

[For the rest of today and my overnight, please see “Up at Midnight.”]

Tuesday:

– watch replay of Rose Parade in bed w/ Hubby
– brunch cooked by Hubby

[Yep, food, it’s a thing.  Brunch, it’s a thing.  Hubby says what do I want to eat.  I point him toward some pre-made cheesy hashbrowns I’d bought.  He says how do you want your eggs.  I say however you want to cook them.  Breffast/Brunch:

– Hillshire Farms Cheddarwurst, fried
– pre-made cheesy hashbrowns, nuked
– scrambled eggs with organic red onions, organic thyme, organic rosemary (all from Abundant Harvest Organics – See “I’ve Been Eating More Dirt Lately – Organic Produce Delivery 12-22-12.”), grape tomatoes and crumbled goat cheese!  Yum!

– emptied dishwasher
– loaded dishwasher
– washed dishes
– ran dishwasher
– watched college football on TV with Hubby
– emptied dishwasher

The Palace grill

– made The Palace Grill Rosemary-Buttermilk Muffins
– made roasted veggies

[Organic russet potatoes, organic sweet potatoes, organic butternut squash, some other kind of organic squash, all from Abundant Harvest Organics, drizzled with olive oil & organic rosemary (AHO).]

– nuked mac & cheese

[Added cubed beef tenderloin (crisped up in a pan), organic green onions (AHO), a dash of Half & Half and sprinkled with just a bit of shredded cheddar cheese and the last of the green onions.]

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012 All Rights Reserved.

Thoughts: Week of December 26-28, 2012 (No Mon/Tues)

Wednesday:

8:10am-9:07 Drive from Home to Work

[With one stop at Sears to buy two of these:

Angel pig

Hehehe, okay, here’s the deal.  Hubby and I have a tradition of wandering a local mall on Christmas Eve afternoon.  We’re both always done shopping by then and just like to wander – people-watching.  Figuring the ones who’re like us, just hanging out with nowhere to be, nuthin’ more to do from the ones who are just Starting their shopping.

And if we see something that trips our trigger and the lines aren’t too long, we’ll get it (we both got some super deals on clothes this year).

So we’re in a Sears on the opposite side of the mall from where we parked (we had gone in to look at a garage door opener for the 2nd garage door – we figured we’d spend a bit of Hubby’s recent overtime on getting the matching door opener for the second door if we came across a screaming deal on one.  We didn’t.  What we wanted was on sale, but not enough for us to buy it and cut our night short so I could stand over it at the curb while Hubby got the truck from the other end of the mall).

We Did, However, find the Pig.  🙂  You see, it spoke to both of us, on many levels:

– Hubby is from Cincinnati, please see The Big Pig Gig (flying pigs)
– We found them at christmastime and they’re angel pigs
– They’re pink and therefore a little Out of the Christmas thing, just a little Crazy
– While neither of us like the stupid pink ribbon, it’s pink and well, we all know what I’m doing this year and some of next, so…

For any of you reading who are offline friends, please be forewarned that as of no longer than a week from now, when you come to our house, be prepared to see two (they have to keep each other company, you know, because just one would be lonely all by itself) pink, lighted, angel pigs in my front yard – year round!

Because just like this blog is entirely my world to command, Some parts of the Real World are also mine to design!

So I was going to leave early this morning to go to that Sears (out of my way by quite a bit) to pick up the pigs on my way to work, but basically this morning when I got up, I just didn’t fucking want to schlep it And there was a freeway closure between me and work, so I said screw it – I’ll take my chances and go on my lunch hour.

But, lots of folks are Not going to work at all this week, so when I got close to work and my nav program said I’d get to work at 8:57, I said to myself: hell, if there’s nobody there this early, I’ll run in to see if I can get the pigs here (and who the fuck cares if 8:57 turns into 9:10ish), and if the parking lot is packed, it’s back to Plan B – taking my chances at lunchtime.

Yep, got to work at 9:10ish, with two pink lighted angel pigs in my trunk.  :)]

Work
Lunch
Work
5:30pm-6:30pm Drive from Work to Home

Thursday:

8:25am-9:05am Drive from Home to Work
Work
Lunch

scarantinos pas-thumb

[Right before lunch, I had this craving for simple, basic spaghetti with meat sauce – it was delicious!]

Work

[I forgot to put a watch on this morning and it took me until 3:30 pm to realize it.]

5:30pm-7:45pm Drive from Work to Home

[Three stops on the way:

– get gas
– stop at market (Hubby out of OJ again and could be working until late into the night again – yes, I can be a good wife)
– pick up more meds]

Didn’t get to sleep until 10:30 😦

[Get home, call Mom before 8 ‘cuz she’s busy with something then, eat, make sure Hubby eats, get out of work clothes, try to calm down from a long busy day, take meds, lay down & read until Benadryl makes eyes close]

Friday:

Up at 4:30am for no reason – except maybe I was hot…hm… – and never got back to sleep.  😦

[Confession: my home office has become an absolute disaster the last 5 months or so.  I know, no surprise.  But now it’s making me crazy (which actually kind of means I must be feeling better and having some more energy to do something about it, But relax, it may not last long, and don’t act like I have to keep feeling this way, I’m not a trained puppy to be happy on cue).  Spent some time this morning cleaning up and partly clearing some decks.  I got into it – it felt good, hence being late to leave the house and late for work.  That’s some of that All Alone with Nobody To Answer To (not even Hubby, though the goddess knows I love the man) Time I need these days – just of me, by me and for me.  Please see “This Must Be The Worse Before The Better.”]

Oh, and this morning I Did remember to put a watch on before I left the house.  A watch that fit a couple of days ago, but was uncomfortably snug now (too snug to wear in fact – I don’t do clothes, etc. that bind, period) – which means after six months of this, I finally may actually have lymphedema all the way down my arm – fun!]

8:25am-9:15am Drive from Work to Home

[With 1 stop for weekly Starbucks treat.

So, for months I’ve been having a problem with my Starbucks app where it won’t reload one of my cards – it keeps saying something like “We’re having trouble reloading your card.  Please check your balance again in a few minutes.”  Now there’s nothing in there to indicate a problem with the debit card it’s attached to, like it’s oh, say, Expired or something?  For some unknown reason this morning it occurred to me that an expired card might be the issue.  Lo and behold, I changed the expiration date, tried again and it Worked!  Seriously, I realize it was something I needed to change, but the error message they decided on kept indicating to me that either the app itself was broken, or the problem was with their backend – there was nothing in it (at least the way I read it) to indicate it was something I needed to attend to. <facepalm>]

Work
Lunch
Work
5:30pm-6:20pm Drive from Work to Home

Additional Tasks Accomplished This Week:

– blogged
– put gas in the car
– picked up two pink lighted angel pigs for the front yard
– paid some bills
– ordered some sale clothes online from Soma.com
– got some more meds (the last time they’re “free” since next Tuesday begins a new deductible/max out-of-pocket period and I get to go back to paying for medical stuff again)

Copyright Ridingthebcrollercoaster.com 2012 All Rights Reserved.