Schedule: Week of October 15-19, 2012


7:10am-8:15am Drive from Home to Physical Therapy
8:15am-9:05am Physical Therapy
9:10am-9:25am Drive from Physical Therapy to Work
9:25am-1:30pm Work
1:30pm-2:00pm Lunch [Put gas in the car – bought lottery tickets]
2:00pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-5:45pm Drive from Work to Acupuncture
5:45pm-6:45pm Acupuncture
6:45pm-7:45pm Drive from Acupuncture to Home


8:00am-9:00am Drive from Home to Work
9:00am-1:30pm Work
1:30pm-2:00pm Lunch
2:00pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-6:30pm Drive from Work to Home [While listening to pre-debate show and debate]


Woke up at 4:30am – Could not get back to sleep before 6:00am alarm.

8:00am-9:00am Drive from Home to Work
9:00am-1:30pm Work
1:30pm-2:00pm Lunch
2:00pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-6:30pm Drive from Work to Home


8:00am-9:25am Drive from Home to Work
9:25am-1:30pm Work
1:30pm-2:00pm Lunch
2:00pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-6:40pm Drive from Work to Mom’s

[Slept at Mom’s to save 1-1/2 hrs driving time Friday morning – not my house, not my bed, couldn’t fall asleep ’til almost 11pm (way past my bedtime)]


8:35am-8:55am Drive from Mom’s to RSurg
9:00am-9:45am Appt with RSurg who released me to begin radiation treatments on October 29, 2012 [which means I get my very first tattoos (that I never wanted) next Monday October 22, 2012]
9:50am-10:40am Drive from RSurg to Work [with 1 stop for my usual Friday Starbucks treat]
10:40am-2:05pm Work
2:05pm – 2:35pm Lunch
2:35pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-6:25pm Drive from Work to Home

Additional Tasks Accomplished This Week:

– walked at least 20 minutes each day
– blogged
– paid bills
– did laundry
– completed AFLAC claim forms


SNL (1975-1980, 1985-Present): October 13-14, 2012

Who gets the reference?


Welcome to my Saturday!   – Your Loss, I’m Awesome on Facebook

– coffee
– blogging
– brunch
– napping
– blogging
– watching tv
– dinner


– coffee
– watching tv
– brunch @ Lazy Dog Cafe & bought “Bark for the CURE” t-shirts for Hubby & me

Now please understand I am Not into the stupid pink ribbon everywhere and on everything, But I thought the way they did this was very cute – and 100% of proceeds go to the Susan G. Komen Foundation, for those who come after me.

– marketing to the tune of $250+!  (It’s been a while since we did more than an emergency run for the basics.)
– napping
– dinner while watching MotoGP Motegi

I’ll Take Red Please

My favorite color is Navy Blue (seen the background color of this blog, for instance?  Guess how I chose my theme.).  I was born in May, so my birthstone is Emerald.  But (other than diamonds, of course) my favorite gemstone is the Sapphire because . . . it is navy blue.

All of a sudden, about 3 months or so ago, I started wanting to wear a lot of red, literally all the time.  I was diagnosed on July 5, 2012 with Breast Cancer.

What does being diagnosed with breast cancer have to do with wearing red?

And why red, as opposed to any other color?

The Chinese culture contains the belief that the color red signifies: good luck, power, strength, long life, vitality, happiness, good fortune, joy, power to ward off evil spirits, energy, determination, vigor, willpower, courage, and triumph, among other things.

Don’t take my word for it.  This information is available all over the internet.  Here are just a few:

Personally, with what I’m up against, I’ll take all of that stuff I can get.

When I said above that I wanted to wear red all the time, I meant 24 hours a day/7 days a week.  That meant I could put red jewelry a couple of places –

My navel (it was already pierced, so this was just a matter of hitting the nearest mall cart and buying the color I wanted, especially since I never take this completely out, only change them from time to time); and

My thumb – where I could simply look down, see the red and tap into that positive vibe anytime I wanted.

I decided, almost upon diagnosis, that this breast cancer thing was Not going to steamroll me.  Hence, I’ve been making trouble all over town.  🙂  But I digress.

Much of what I have to do to fight cancer is, essentially, out of my control.  Not doing it, or not doing some part of it, or not doing something like it, is simply not an option – not if I want the other 40 years my genes promise me (despite various cancers all over my family, my grandparents and great-grandparents on both sides have lived into their late-eighties and nineties with full mental faculties and most physical faculties – so that’s what I’ve grown up to expect I get too), and the alternative sucks.

To balance that feeling of being out of control, I take control and deliberately make decisions about cancer-related things where doing so does not put myself at medical risk, or is not otherwise unreasonable or stupid.  Notice that someone else’s convenience does not enter into my equation.  I do not visit Any of my medical professionals for their convenience, and I find myself often (politely, when I can) reminding them of that.  One thing I can control is what color gauze is used on me when necessary (which is fairly often given my extreme allergy to tape – yes, even Tegaderm), so I choose red.

I figure I’ll use everything I can to sway this fight in my direction, as long as it does not harm anyone.

The other thing I love about my red self-adherent gauze is I can wear it when I can’t wear any of my red jewelry, or in fact, any jewelry at all – when I have surgery.  And to make damn sure I get my red gauze, and to make it as easy on my caregivers as possible (so I prevent even the possibility of a conflict, since I have the means to do so), I bring my own.  I’ve had two surgeries already, and I may be having more on the other side of my radiation therapy.  So far, everybody’s been perfectly happy to use the gauze I bring, particularly after they ask me why red only, and I tell them.  It’s a win-win situation!  🙂  There are only those few minutes between taking All my jewelry off and having that first IV tied down with my red gauze that I don’t have any red on my body (well, except for my red toenail polish of course! – there’s always a way!), and by the time they do anything really serious, like make me unconscious or cut me open…I know I’m covered.

In fact, I’ve found a few items, in addition to red self-adherent gauze, that have so far made my journey easier.  As soon as I can source and price the components, I plan to offer a “You’ll Get Through This” Pack on a new page: “ToLiveWithByJ”

I Feel Better and I Hurt More – Go Figure (Possible Oversharing Warning)

Last week – After my hormones cycled – I realized I felt better.  Now, whether Mom or Hubby or my work friends would say I feel better from what they’ve seen, I have no idea.  I also was still so mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted by Thursday night that I cried just from exhaustion.

And yet, I think I’m starting to feel better, at least temporarily [please do not lose sight of the title of this blog – that metaphor is used for many very good reasons], and when I say I feel better, it may not last long.  In fact, by the time you read this, it may no longer be the case, but I’m sticking with it for now.

So why do I say that?  Well, first – last week I made a joke – I mean a joke that was not dripping in bitterness or sarcasm (“Um, Bitter, Party of One?” – Shit, I resemble that remark).  It’s a little thing, right?  Wrong.  It’s a big deal after not being able to joke at all, about anything, for so long!  Hubby was in the middle of a story when I stuck my little joyful zinger in there and he continued on with his story until I stopped him and prompted him to acknowledge it.  Some things need their own moment, ya know?  Then, of course, I reminded him what he was saying and listened until he finished his story.

And then there are the following chicken/egg observations:


It has been six weeks last Monday, October 8, 2012 since my second surgery.  I was told by my RSurg that I had a 10-pound lifting limit until six weeks after surgery.  Now, six weeks is some maybe more, probably less arbitrary time period where a certain amount of healing has taken place, and well, I’ve hit that time point.  My physical therapy has been going well, and although I still think about stretching, extended-type movements, I’m finding I have to ‘pull back’ less or not at all to avoid the pain that is disappearing from those actions.


Last week I started taking Benadryl to sleep.  Sleeping without it just wasn’t happening, and everyone, to some degree or another, does worse when sleep-deprived: pain hurts more, concentration and focus disappear, tempers get short, food choices are harder to keep healthy, energy level drops, mood is more fragile, etc. – we all know the drill.  I was taking 1/2 a Benadryl and upped it to a full 25mg tablet/capsule (keep in mind many people need 50mg or 100mg to get to sleep).  I’ve found that if I give myself more time to sleep I have less of a hangover in the morning from it.  And I’m starting to wake up feeling more rested too.  Of course, that too, doesn’t last long.

[You know how when you’re getting better from being sick, one morning you wake up feeling good, but then you get out of bed and you don’t feel good anymore?  And then the next day you wake up feeling good again and it lasts a couple of hours?  And so forth, until finally you feel good all day and you realize you’re fully well?  Keep that progression in mind, it applies here to many aspects of my current experience, but can also get set back to zero in a heartbeat – roller coaster, remember?]

PMS – Hormones:

A month ago I had a perfect storm of ‘things’ happening on a Thursday night.  Just plain tired with it being Thursday and all, I was irritable due to (unbeknownst to me) it being the day before I realize I’m getting sick, And the hormones were raging (they would crest the following day).  I was seesawing between anxiety at a level of 11 on a scale of 1 to 10, and bawling my eyes out and Not Feeling Any Better For It!

Well, normal service resumed and things crested again this past week, and I noticed in retrospect that while I did get somewhat testy (right Dad?) [But please do keep in mind on general principles that hormones can make things seem worse than they might otherwise seem, but they Do Not create anything out of nothing!], I was in no way as out of control as I was a month ago.  Of course that could be due in part to…


1) Anti-Depressant – After last month’s meltdown (I told my family and my MOnc – when things calmed down some – that I had Never felt like that in my more than 4 or 5 years of experiencing this particular phenomena), I contacted my MOnc who authorized me to increase my dosage of this med.  Of course, there is a break-in period anytime one changes dosage on this thing.  So I think I finally got to equilibrium with that.

2) Pain Meds – Not sure how this thought occurred to me – prolly some combination of Mom making a suggestion that I try this, and realizing that I was waking up hurting as I turned over in bed – I began adding 1/2 an Ultracet to the evening Pharmaparty in my hand.  That seemed to help, but I still was waking up hurting when I turned over, so I upped it to a full Ultracet and that (combined with a Benadryl) maybe is allowing me to get some restful sleep and wake up feeling more refreshed sometimes.

Meds Side Effects:

In a deliberate attempt to be obscure here so as to avoid the blatant oversharing label – let’s just say some of the side effects of some of the meds I’m taking seem to have mellowed some in the last week, and so I’m feeling physically slightly lighter.  Moving on…


Yes, the title of this post is not a misprint.  I’m feeling better And I’m having More pain.  Weird, I know.  As the swelling continues to SLOWLY recede, the places where it has been so severe that the tissue actually feels hard to the touch (on both sides, mind you) are getting noticeably smaller.  Reminder: everything a double-edged sword – nothing all good or all bad.  As the swelling recedes, the numbness begins to recede.  As the numbness begins to recede, the first sensation reawakening nerves transmit is, you guessed it, pain.

As the swelling recedes, the shape of things changes, allowing some incisions – ahem, I won’t specify, but where is the most cosmetically friendly place to cut to remove something from one of the girls? – (and the sensitive, traumatized skin around them) to experience increased rubbing.  Right.

Plus, after my biopsy, I experienced, in addition to pain in the boob itself, these odd, almost shooting-star-type pains in my abdomen – both front and back, far from any of the incisions at all.  I’m having the joy of those again.  🙂  My MOnc warned me about them as a consequence of my two surgeries, not knowing I’d already experienced them in the aftermath of my biopsy procedure.  They’re weird pains too –

– nothing specific brings them on or makes them better or worse
– they’re stabbing, cutting, shooting-star feeling things
– they are removed from any sensible cause like an incision or swelling
– they can be anywhere from 2-7 on a scale of 1-10
– they don’t last very long (my MOnc told me by the time I take something to treat them, they’ll already be gone – and I’ve already experienced that he’s right about this)

[Any medical professionals recognize P-Q-R-S-T?]

This Blog:

When I first got diagnosed and could not control the thoughts racing around in my head [See “A Tornado In My Head”], it was suggested to me more than once, by more than one person, that maybe just getting some of the thoughts out on paper would help settle things in my cranium.  And indeed, I Know that works for me with chores and tasks type stuff.  Once I get it out of my head into an app that will remind me when needed, I can let it go and move on to other things.  But, for some reason, the idea of putting this down in some black hole (this was how a journal just for myself felt to me) didn’t seem like it was going to do the trick.  And then I started this blog.  Somehow, the fact that this is being sent out into the world feels like the ‘release’ I need (or at least a start thereof), and I’ve been doing this blogging thing about two weeks now, give or take.

I’ll leave it up to you to opine on why I’m reporting I’m feeling better:

– simply time passing
– getting more restful sleep
– having less PMS
– better meds balance
– less meds side effects
– more pain (I have no idea, I plead cancer brain)
– emotional release from blogging

– chicken
– egg

– coincidence?

– or some combination?

I’m open to your thoughts on the matter (though I reserve the right to veto them if they conflict with my reality) but I am curious to hear them…

A Lesson in Volume: Golf Ball vs. Egg vs. My Tumor vs. Hockey Puck

The Volume of a Golf ball [According to the Rules of Golf (as approved by the United States Golf Association and the Rules Committee of the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of Saint Andrews) = 40.68 cubic cm.

The Volume of a Jumbo egg (according to the USDA – Chicken egg sizes) = 71 cubic cm or larger.  [Large Egg on Left/Jumbo Egg on Right]

My Tumor (and Margins):

– Left Breast Mass: 5.5 x 5.0 x 2.8 cm = 77 cubic cm.
– Left Additional Deep Margin: 1.5 x 1.2 x 0.4 cm = 0.72 cubic cm.
– Left Additional Medial Margin: 1.5 x 1.2 x 0.4 cm = 0.72 cubic cm.
– Left Additional Inferior Margin: 2.0 x 1.1 x 0.4 cm = 0.88 cubic cm.
– Left Additional Lateral Margin: 2.0 x 1.5 x 0.4 cm = 1.2 cubic cm.
– Left Additional Superior Margin: 2.0 x 1.5 x 0.6 cm = 1.8 cubic cm.
– Left Additional Superficial Margin: 2.0 x 1.5 x 0.4 cm = 1.2 cubic cm.

The Volume of a hockey puck is approximately 113 cubic cm.

Total tissue removed (including margins) = 83.52 cubic cm = > 2 golf balls = > Jumbo Egg = 2/3 Hockey Puck.

Schedule: Week of October 8-12, 2012


8:00am-9:00am Drive from Home to ROnc
9:00am-11:00am Consultation with ROnc
11:00am-11:15am Drive from Dr. to Work
11:15am-1:35pm Work
1:35pm-2:05pm Lunch
2:05pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-6:30pm Drive from Work to Home


7:45am-8:45am Drive from Home to Work [With 1 stop to get gas]
8:45am-1:30pm Work
1:30pm-2:00pm Lunch
2:00pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-6:45pm Drive from Work to Support Group
7:00pm-8:30pm Attend Support Group
8:30pm-9:15pm Drive from Support Group to Home


8:10am-9:10am Drive from Home to Work
9:10am-1:30pm Work
1:30pm-2:00pm Lunch
2:00pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-6:35pm Drive from Work to Home [With 1 stop to get meds]

– awake for two hours in the middle of the night


7:10am-8:10am Drive from Home to Physical Therapy
8:10am-9:10am Physical Therapy
9:10am-9:25am Drive from Physical Therapy to Work
9:25am-1:30pm Work
1:30pm-2:00pm Lunch
2:00pm-5:30pm Work [See “No Good Deed Goes Unpunished”]
5:30pm-7:00pm Drive from Work to Home [With 1 short stop – thanks to fucked up traffic from rain]


7:45am-8:45am Drive from Home to Work [With 1 stop at Starbucks for my weekly coffee treat and to pick up Starbucks iTunes Freebie cards for myself and those with iDevices in my office – something I’ve been doing for a long time and something that helps me keep the barest amount of ‘normal’ in my life right now]
8:45am-1:30pm Work
1:30pm-2:00pm Lunch
2:00pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-8:00pm Drive from Work to Home [With 1 stop at an errand the opposite direction from work as home]

Additional Tasks Accomplished This Week:

– walked at least 20 minutes each day
– blogged
– scheduled all radiation therapy appointments [See “Upcoming Appts – as of October 11, 2012 (and Probable Holiday Impact)“]
– reconfigured physical therapy appointments going forward to mesh with radiation therapy appointments
– notified husband, parents, work about reconfigured appointments

Upcoming Appts – as of October 11, 2012 (and Probable Holiday Impact)

This morning when my physical therapy was done, my PTher and I reconfigured my upcoming physical therapy appointments to coincide timewise and medical-needwise with my upcoming radiation therapy (which, conveniently, I have chosen to have at the same facility).  When we had rescheduled my upcoming appointments, she printed out a schedule for me so I could be sure of what was what and when was when.

My first glance at the sheet of paper must have had me looking very confused because I was very confused.  Then my PTher reminded me that it showed not just my physical therapy appointments, but all my upcoming appointments for that facility.  The sheet is attached below:

In case you’re missing the import of that – every single line on that sheet of paper is a separate appointment, all mine, and the last radiation appointment is currently scheduled for Tuesday, December 11, 2012.  This is my upcoming schedule, of course, if and only if my RSurg releases me to begin radiation treatment on Monday, October 29, 2012 (because I have healed from my two surgeries to her satisfaction that the radiation therapy will not seriously damage me), which RSurg appointment is currently scheduled for Friday, October 19, 2012.

If she does Not release me to radiation when I next see her because I have not healed enough for her to do so, then every appointment in the above image starting with the October 22, 2012 appointment to do a CT simulation of the radiation therapy and get my tattoos (see upcoming post “My Boob Is Not the Mona Lisa!”) and continuing to the bottom of the page will be pushed however many weeks she decides I still need to heal before starting this next phase of treatment.

And now we get to the second part of this post’s title – Holiday Impact.  Please take notice that while I will (hopefully) be aware of Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas as they come and go this year, I likely will be spending the majority of the next three months or so attending doctors appointments and treatments, working, and sleeping.  I therefore will likely not be:

– giving candy to the kiddies on Halloween (OK, because of where I live I really don’t ever do this anyway)
– giving any thought whatsoever to a Halloween costume this year
– participating in any Halloween parties at work or elsewhere
– cooking a full Thanksgiving dinner (OK, another thing I don’t really ever do anyway)
– cooking anything at all to take to any Thanksgiving dinner I may manage to attend
– bringing a Hostess Gift to any social occasion at all I manage to attend
– buying, writing, stamping and/or mailing holiday cards
– OR
– choosing, shopping for, buying, wrapping and/or delivering holiday gifts – for anybody at all in my life

In other words, I’m giving myself this Holiday Season off – I simply don’t have the time or energy.

And for anyone who is hurt and/or offended by the above comments, or thinks it’s not a big deal and I’m being a wuss – you’re welcome to come keep me company at all thirty-two (32) of those consecutive 8:00am weekday appointments (not including physical therapy and other doctors’ appointments during that same 6-1/2 week period), and then we can both go do a full day’s work after that.  Comment and leave me your email, I’ll share the location with you privately.  🙂

Schedule: Week of October 1-5, 2012


8:15am-9:15am Drive from Home to Work
9:15am-1:35pm Work
1:35pm-2:05pm Lunch
2:05pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-5:50pm Drive from Work to Acupuncture
6:10pm-7:10pm Acupuncture
7:10pm-8:00pm Drive from Acupuncture to Home


8:00am-9:00am Drive from Home to Work
9:00am-2:40pm Work
2:40pm-3:10pm Lunch
3:10pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-6:30pm Drive from Work to Home


7:30am-8:30am Drive from Home to Work
8:30am-1:15pm Work
1:15pm-2:00pm Lunch
2:00pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-6:30pm Drive from Work to Home


7:00am-8:00am Drive from Home to Physical Therapy
8:10am-9:10am Physical Therapy
9:15am-9:30am Drive from Physical Therapy to Work
9:30am-1:30pm Work
1:30pm-2:00pm Lunch
2:00pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-6:00pm Drive from Work to Family Event
6:00pm-8:30pm Family Event
8:30pm-9:15pm Drive from Family Event to Home


8:00am-9:00am Drive from Home to ROnc
9:15am-11:15am Interview with ROnc
11:15am-12:00pm Drive from ROnc to Work
12:00pm-5:30pm Work
5:30pm-6:30pm Drive from Work to Home

Additional Tasks Accomplished this Week:

– Acquired my medical files from MOnc, CSurg, and RSurg for review by the ROncs
– Walked at least 20 minutes each day
– Filled out new patient paperwork for Friday morning Interview of ROnc